I have always had vivid dreams. They are not more so now, but take on new themes. They are about two things:
1. The excitement of meeting my children and finally becoming a mother
2. What a horrible and ill prepared mother I am
I've been calling them "bad Mommy" dreams.
The wierd thing is I feel confident during the day that I will be a wonderful mother and think that I am more prepared that most. So why do I keep having these dreams? I don't really mind because of the first theme makes the dream enjoyable no matter what.
The latest one is very, very obvious in its meaning and I'm pretty sure I've had it multiple times. I have this wierd sense of deja vu that this may be a very old dream that I've had for some time. In the dream I am happily pregnant, but my belly isn't getting any bigger and I grow very concerned. In fact, it is barely rounded like it would be in month 4. But everyone is telling me I'm due very soon. I keep worrying that something is wrong because I'm so small, or that I'm really not pregnant and I made it all up or someone else is lying to me. Ultimately I think this dream symbolizes my desire to be a parent and my fear that it really isn't happening. That makes a lot of sense. But as we are in week 27 now I am relaxing more and more that it will happen...so we'll see if this dream goes away.
Lately I've had two more dreams and they involve cases of very bad packing. The one I recall most involved tremendous excitement because I was at the airport ready to go to India to get my babies. It was more like a baby shower because my entire family was there at the gate with me with balloons and streamers and signs wishing me well. For some reason hubby wasn't there and I was going all by myself. I was trying to bring very large toys with me instead of things I could actually use. I was struggling to bring as a carry on a huge, gangly, and of course very colorful Fisher Price light up toy that you are supposed to use when they are learning to stand up.
In another I arrive in India and open my suitcase to realize that for 6 weeks I only packed about 3 mismatched outfits. Even my sarees don't have matching cholis, or any choli to speak of. (The top part) But I am mostly disappointed in myself because I have packed NOTHING for the babies. Tons of empty space but no formula or onesies or diapers or anything at all!
But perhaps the funniest part of the airport dream is when I decide to go to the ladies room before I get on my flight. When I walk in who do I see but Bobby Flay in the flesh grilling steaks over open flame. He has a very busy looking sous chef alongside him. Bobby offers me the biggest, juiciest porterhouse steak I have ever seen. It was so juicy it was dripping, and it already had a few slices cut to show me that it was cooked as perfectly as a steak could ever be cooked.
Airport bathroom or not, if Bobby Flay offers you a steak...you eat it. Right as I was about to take a bite, the phone rings. I woke up very angry because the fork was an inch from my mouth. It was my mother calling to chat, and she apologized for ruining my steak fantasy. I'm pretty sure the steak part has nothing to do with my children or being a mother, and just has to do with the fact that I'm from Texas and LOVE steak.
At my church women's group the other day several of the ladies were bragging on how wonderful their children were. I decided to brag on mine and tell everyone that they are now 2 lbs each and can suck their thumbs and blink their eyes. I'm so proud!
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
The Last Supper
So last night for my 35th Birthday Dinner my mother spent some gift cards on us for a lovely meal at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.
It was certainly yummy, but I kept joking that it felt more like a last supper than a birthday supper. As in "enjoy a nice meal out while you can because when the twins are here in 3 months you can kiss these kinds of luxuries goodbye!"
I don't mind of course. I'm still in a wierd phase where it doesn't feel like this is really happening though. Aside from finishing up some house preparation for the twins, the baby shower date is set and we are 1 month away from achieving the "ready by the end of the 2nd trimester" goal. My shower is August 4th, and that is right after the date that should our twins be born they have around a 95% chance of survival with virtually no chance of developmental disabilities. That is the "breathe a whole lot easier" date for me. It's also the date I should have a back packed and ready to go in the spare room! At this stage of pregnancy the "What to Expect..." book says most Mom's to be get impatient with the pregnancy and anxious for it to be over and the baby to be here, so maybe I'm mimicking those stages too.
My in-laws did throw a wonderful party the other night, and I wore a traffic cone yellow silk saree I'd never worn before. But I picked the bright color to match my mood. It was the first time I'd been around that side of the family since the big announcement. I was right there next to his visibly pregnant cousin, but it was wonderful to get just as many hearty "Congratulations!" as she did. With the whole twin thing it felt like I was stealing too much of the attention. Sure, there was lots of unsolicited advice but I mostly take it in stride. There was some very strong opinions on Indian names, and I learned I was pronouncing one of the ones I picked slightly incorrect. But it was so wonderful to have that side of the family celebrating our good news with us...something I have waited so many years for. It scares me a bit to acknowledge it so publicly but we are only a month away from breathing easier.
I'm sleeping far too much these days. On one hand I'm working a lot of overtime and following the "sleep while you still can" advice people say all the time to me. But admittedly I'm also sleeping too much because I'm hoping to dream about the babies. Generally it is a bad thing to prefer dreams to reality, but they are SO CUTE in my dreams. Lately it is a boy and a girl, though for some reason in this last one I was still worried about telling them apart for some reason. I'm always tremendously incompetent as a mother in the dreams, but I still wake up happy because they are so adorable and I got to see them, so to speak. This last one they were so patient while it took me two hours to figure out how to make a bottle, and they didn't even cry! Yeah right! I also changed a diaper wrong and his little thingie fell off as a result, and after trying to stick it back on I gave up and hid it in a Desitin jar instead of going to the hospital. So despite my tremendous incompetence in my dreams, after my overtime today I plan on eating the leftovers from my Last Supper and take a nap before I go back to work and hope to see them in my dreams!
I don't mind of course. I'm still in a wierd phase where it doesn't feel like this is really happening though. Aside from finishing up some house preparation for the twins, the baby shower date is set and we are 1 month away from achieving the "ready by the end of the 2nd trimester" goal. My shower is August 4th, and that is right after the date that should our twins be born they have around a 95% chance of survival with virtually no chance of developmental disabilities. That is the "breathe a whole lot easier" date for me. It's also the date I should have a back packed and ready to go in the spare room! At this stage of pregnancy the "What to Expect..." book says most Mom's to be get impatient with the pregnancy and anxious for it to be over and the baby to be here, so maybe I'm mimicking those stages too.
My in-laws did throw a wonderful party the other night, and I wore a traffic cone yellow silk saree I'd never worn before. But I picked the bright color to match my mood. It was the first time I'd been around that side of the family since the big announcement. I was right there next to his visibly pregnant cousin, but it was wonderful to get just as many hearty "Congratulations!" as she did. With the whole twin thing it felt like I was stealing too much of the attention. Sure, there was lots of unsolicited advice but I mostly take it in stride. There was some very strong opinions on Indian names, and I learned I was pronouncing one of the ones I picked slightly incorrect. But it was so wonderful to have that side of the family celebrating our good news with us...something I have waited so many years for. It scares me a bit to acknowledge it so publicly but we are only a month away from breathing easier.
I'm sleeping far too much these days. On one hand I'm working a lot of overtime and following the "sleep while you still can" advice people say all the time to me. But admittedly I'm also sleeping too much because I'm hoping to dream about the babies. Generally it is a bad thing to prefer dreams to reality, but they are SO CUTE in my dreams. Lately it is a boy and a girl, though for some reason in this last one I was still worried about telling them apart for some reason. I'm always tremendously incompetent as a mother in the dreams, but I still wake up happy because they are so adorable and I got to see them, so to speak. This last one they were so patient while it took me two hours to figure out how to make a bottle, and they didn't even cry! Yeah right! I also changed a diaper wrong and his little thingie fell off as a result, and after trying to stick it back on I gave up and hid it in a Desitin jar instead of going to the hospital. So despite my tremendous incompetence in my dreams, after my overtime today I plan on eating the leftovers from my Last Supper and take a nap before I go back to work and hope to see them in my dreams!
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