So just this past week Dr. Patel and the Akanksha clinic celebrated the 500th baby born through surrogacy! Technically it was twins, so they are at 501. Video below. Wish I could understand the language!
The clinic wanting to share their happiness held a small ceremony which was joined by not only the recently born twins but also many other surrogate mothers and their families on Friday afternoon.
Doctors at the clinic say that childless couples from around 29 countries including India, USA, UK, and Pakistan turn to Anand seeking help of surrogate mothers to give birth to their babies. According to them, babies born through In-Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) have shown a ratio of 253 boys and 247 girls at the clinic.
“It is a good feeling. After a long struggle and controversies we have been able to spread happiness to 500 childless homes,” said Dr Nayna Patel, who is considered to be one of the pioneers in IVF surrogacy.
I found a few more articles today, but they are poorly written and full of misinformation and logical fallacies so I'm not posting links because I don't want to contribute to fear and ignorance. Heavy on the slippery slope arguements and short on actual facts or research. People make a lot of statements and they are not backed up, and from what I can tell they are based on fears or isolated cases rather than reality. It just reminds me that modern day journalism lacks the ethics or integrity to put out well written factual articles, and I feel sorry for people who read the garbage they write and can't tell the difference.
So in my anxiety during this 7-8 week gap between baby updates, I desperately search for other blogs of folks who've done surrogacy in India. I find plenty, but most are from the Surrogacy Centre in Delhi. Only two used my clinic, and don't go into the ridiculous level of detail that I would like them to because I'm obsessed and it's all I can think about.
Along the way during my Googling, I find that a woman named Adrienne Arieff has written a book called "The Sacred Thread." She had twins and used Dr. Patel AND wrote an entire book about it.
When Adrienne Arieff and her husband Alex learned they were unable to have children, they considered, like millions of American couples, the traditional options. And then they chose what many would consider the most unlikely and unexpected path: surrogacy. In India. The Sacred Thread, Adrienne Arieff’s compelling, insightful, and informative chronicle of her journey into the heart of India to become a mother. With the help of an inspiring Indian doctor, an Indian surrogate named Vaina, a loving husband, some skeptical friends, and a cast of surprising and hospitable Indian friends, Adrienne experiences her own unique path to motherhood. Along the way she discovers the challenges and promises of the growing global phenomenon of foreign surrogacy— what it is and what it means, both for Indian families and for the American couples who seek them out. After three pregnancies, three miscarriages, and dozens of tests and disappointing diagnoses, Adrienne and Alex realized they must seek an alternative route to their happily ever after. Adrienne’s doctor advises that she consider a possibility as far from her mind as motherhood once had been: surrogacy. After Alex reads in the New York Times of the Akanksha Clinic in Anand, India, where a Dr. Patel works to bring together two women from disparate cultures to help each other, the couple immerses themselves in research surrounding a phenomenon they’d never heard of: foreign gestational surrogacy. Several months, hundreds of research hours, and thousands of dollars later, Adrienne boards a plane for Mumbai. There, in the 107 degree heat of Indian summer, she meet Dr. Patel, undergoes IVF treatments, and forms a deep bond with 26 year old Vaina, a surrogate mother who would eventually give birth to Adrienne’s children. Whereas most women like Adrienne return home after the fertilization, Adrienne was unable to stay away. Placing her life and business on hold, Adrienne packs up and moves to Anand for the duration of her surrogate’s pregnancy, immersing herself in the culture and traditions of India, and shaping a lasting friendship with her surrogate, Vaina. As Adrienne and Vahina share their stories with each other, aided by the visionary Dr Patel, they witness first-hand the challenge and promise of international surrogacy. The stories of these two women—an American woman and an Indian woman—are intertwined, creating a surprising and heartwarming narrative that results in the birth of twin daughters, Emma and India, but also gives birth to a transformative and mutually beneficial relationship between Adrienne and her surrogate Vaina. The Sacred Thread offers a unique and revelatory look at the landscape and culture of India through the lens of an American couple searching for family, an Indian family searching for a future, and a doctor offering a chance for both to find what they seek. A timely, challenging, informative, and heartwarming story, The Sacred Thread offers one woman’s perspective on a trend that illuminates our global interconnectedness. Above all, it is the story of a unique friendship between two women from two entirely different worlds, who, with the help of a committed physician, are able to reach out to each other and cooperatively change one another’s lives, through their physical and spiritual gifts to each other.
I think that reading this book will keep me busy for another week while I wait for an update and keep me calm. Who am I kidding? I read it in about 6 hours between midnight and 9am the next morning and go to work dog tired the next day.
There are a few things I disagree with or had a different perspective on, but partly I think I went into this with a better understanding of Indian culture and had some more adjusted expectations. But I'm so glad I read it and it eased my mind and gave me the sense that I know what is happening with my babies on the other side of the world. I went from anxiety to being in a much more relaxed state after reading it, which is the most important thing I can say to anyone expecting through Dr. Patel who thinks about buying it. If you are thinking about using Dr. Patel then this is a great book to read to get you more prepared in the emotional/culture shock sense, especially if you have never been to India. The only thing that prepares you for the finer details is just reading the Dr. Patel surrogacy blog as well as this blog and any other links I've mentioned. We all have to do our own research. I truly appreciate the time and effort she put into this book, and her style of writing does bring you into the story with her. I did laugh out loud several times. But most of all as she sees her twins being born and brings them home healthy, I let the hope that will happen to us in 3 1/2 months finally take roost in my brain and settle in.
Things I learned and random thoughts on the book below:
* I love her descriptions of the town, how it has grown because of Dr. Patel's business, and the impact it has had there. These are things I was too self absorbed and nauseated to look around and notice while I was there.
*She describes the outlook and percieved perspective of the surrogates well, and they do vary widely. Some surrogates have very personal career related goals for the money, others dedicate it to their children or community, but many do let their husbands utilize the money as they see fit. I didn't know that Dr. Patel counsels them about how to best handle their new windfall of money to help build a better future for themselves and their family, and operates a trust at the clinic and makes sure the money is issued to the surrogate herself. The book did remind me of the roles of men and women in this culture that I do take for granted at times because I am such an independent woman and used to gender equality and "love marriage." It helps to hear more about the life of a woman in a small village with an arranged marriage, and what can be see as exploitation can also be seen as placing trust in her husband and his role and decisions in the family. It is very different, but as much as I am for the equality of women it isn't necessarily different in a bad way. It made me think. It reminded me of one of my favorite books "The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down" by Anne Fadiman, that helps you look beyond what you know and see that what the West judges about the East can often be hasty and misinformed.
*Her experience getting bitch slapped by a cashier at the Ahmedabad embassy after she bawls her out for raising a fee and having inconvenient hours and making unreasonable demands is an important reminder. Unless you are getting completely swindled, if someone in an official capacity says jump you say "How high?" When it comes to getting your babies home, play by the rules even if they seem to change them every 5 minutes. You have no power here. My mother always said you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. No where is this more true than India.
*Don't email Dr. Patel incessantly with long emails full of questions and demands, and try to understand when the communication is slow, incomplete, or non-existent. I learned that 5-8 new clients arrive every week, and the NICU has a few new babies every week. She also runs an OB/GYN clinic for local women, which I had suspected because of all the locals in the waiting area, but this book confirms. She is crazy busy. She is a force of nature with so many balls in the air juggling, that your anxiety and control issues about your growing baby or your questions about whether you choose her clinic must barely register. She has bigger things to worry about with the influx of people to her daily, like caring for the surrogates and patients and babies right in front of her. She has a lot of life and death in her hands and is also a mother and wife who is a community leader changing the lives of so many. She would rather help as many women and families as possible of those who always find their way to her in high numbers, and I think that is admirable. There is another path where I could see them focusing on building the business and marketing to Westerners and making the appearance and communication the priority. Somehow I think if that happened this clinic would not be the passionate force that it is, and things that matter most would get delegated. I like that Dr. Patel tries to do so much, because it is what tells me about this clinic's ethics and integrity and heart behind it are in the right place. Seeing what kind woman Dr. Patel is makes me trust I came to the right place. I'm frankly amazed that she manages to be as hands on as she is. But in the end, she puts priority on the things that matter despite so many demands for her time. I could learn something from her about that. Though I really would like to know if my package with my contract arrived with gifts and a letter for my surrogate, but like the rest I will have to wait for a response or not get one. But this book reminded me to keep my requests for information in perspective. I wish I could find a way to help as many people in such a profound way as she has, but for now I'll just hope that this blog helps just one person. From my posts on an infertility forum two women have sought me out and are now going to Dr. Patel's clinic for an attempt, one after talking to me on the phone for an hour about my experience. Woo hoo!
* I knew the surrogates were well cared for, but I didn't know how much. They have a cook that makes balanced meals for them. There is a nurse on site that takes care of them, and ensures they each take their pre-natal vitamins. They have a sonogram machine there it sounds like, or have easy access to because it is close to the clinic. They get checkups weekly. They offer more classes than just English classes, and many of the women study books and take it very seriously. Religion is a big part of India, but also a big part of the surrogate's lives with many ceremonies and blessings occurring with Dr. Patel's participation. They have a strict schedule for the surrogates that includes plenty of naps, especially at the hottest parts of the day. The family may visit the surrogate more often and freely than I thought previously.
*You don't have to feel guilty if you approach this more as a business arrangement and don't develop a relationship with your surrogate. Dr. Patel says that a bond or relationship not really the point, and I am with her on that one. But other women feel a strong connection and need to bond with their surrogate. They are the exception, of which Adrienne is a huge one. I have never met our 2nd surrogate, but I know that when I do we will share a connection, however brief, that lets her know just how much what she has done for us means to us. My incessant sobbing at the sight of her and unintelligible "thank you's" will fully get that point across I'm sure. I think in the end as long as you find a way to communicate your appreciation beyond just the financial compensation, that is what really matters.
*I'm not sure how long ago she did surrogacy and when she wrote the book. Some things seem different. I think there is a Domino's and not a Pizza Hut, and there was nothing in our contract about providing breastmilk that I read. I think that the Rama Residency has a better rep now than the Laksh Hotel as a meeting place for Dr. Patel's clients. Either way, they are both nices places to stay. I'm note sure if they both existed at the time she was there.
I go inside my lovely hotel, the Rama Residency. Sure there are nicer and more expensive ones around for those folks that care about amenities and a westernized feel, but this is plenty nice and is within a 1 minute walk to the Akanksha IVF Clinic/Dr. Patel and also to the NICU. Why stay anywhere else when you are going there on a daily basis one or more times? http://www.hotelramaresidency.com/
The hotel is nice and the BEST place to meet other patients of Dr. Patel and pump them for info and stare at their babies with longing. The AC in your room turns on when you insert your key into a device in the wall, so you can't leave it on when you leave.
Rama decorated for Diwali--the biggest Holiday in India
Cafeteria with great daily breakfasts
Our room looked just like this. Seating area at right off camera.
After I check in I don't even bother to get unpacked and I go right across the street to Dr. Patel's clinic. I have no problems getting there thanks to Hammock Guy that posted YouTube videos of how to get from Point A to Point B all over Anand. http://www.youtube.com/user/hammockguy66
He is the super awesome creator of the forum of Dr. Patel's patients where you can find loads of info and some posts from me. Anything I write here I'll try to make additional to that and not repeat to save myself time. http://dr-patel-surrogacy.com.
So I get to the clinic and Dr. Hitesh can see how tired I am and greets me and tells me to go back to the hotel and get some rest, then come back later in the afternoon for my first IVF shot. There are lots of men and rickshaws waiting around the area, and the waiting room is full of folks. They always smile at the foreigners, or maybe just me because I wear a saree and follow the custom to remove my shoes and leave them outside even though they don't expect me to. I sign in up front with my name and contact info, and they write down and give me a patient # that I will use for reference during my trip. They don't seem to be expecting me or know this is my first day, and this alarms me a bit. They immediately direct me to Dr. Hitesh's office outside.
Dr Hitesh's English is great, and I'm used to Indian accents so no problems understanding anything he is telling me. He gives me a map (copy found on blog) of the area and where to eat, and says we can take care of business details later. I follow orders and get some sleep. I find out later I am on their schedule for surrogacy and they are expecting me, but Dr. Patel has that info and Dr. Hitesh and the front desk don't have immediate access to scheduling and so it seems a little more disorganized than it is. Dr. Patel has a lot of people assisting her, medical or otherwise, and I see her pass by in a flurry of activity as I depart to take a long overdue nap.
When I go back in the late afternoon the clinic that was previously a hustle and bustle of activity, it is almost abandoned. Now let me say if you are used to American medical clinics that are perfectly sterile, then India will be a shock for you. Having been there before and finding the USA to be a little overboard with sterile conditions I had no problems whatsoever, save the one occurence on this one day. Even my American physician said that somewhere between the US and India is probably the happy medium on sterile conditions, and the US takes it a little overboard. The equipment is not brand new but everything is clean enough and they take new needles out of the package everytime. The "Vampire" guy that takes your blood doesn't wear gloves. But the man is good...this is all he does. But the only thing that bothered me regarding conditions was on this day, because the sharps container is just a bucket. This late in the day it was overflowing and there were needles on the floor. Remember that I was barefoot, so I tread carefully. But other than that, I felt perfectly safe. I get my first shot in my belly, and that's it. This was my first time doing IVF since we were hoping to use my eggs.
Having never done IVF before I didn't know what to expect, so that made my anxiety level higher than most. Also, my husband was not with me. He speaks some Hindi and so having him there helps, though they mostly speak Gujarati there and Hindi is of little use. I was lonely without him, and Dr. Hitesh commented on how much more I smiled when he arrived. But ultimately here is what it is like:
1. You go in and get a shot almost every day. You get blood taken and trans-vaginal sonogram seen above every few days. It will hurt cause she has to poke towards the ovaries where you are already swollen, but it ain't that bad. There is a curtain in front of that area, but lots of folks coming or going, but all female. This curtained area is directly behind Dr. Patel's desk in her office full of assitants rushing about. The only bills I received in addition to what I was told beforehand was for bloodwork, and it was minimal.
2. Your time with Dr. Patel will be brief and to the point. She will give you updates on how many eggs are growing and such. You can ask questions. However, I recommend letting the doctor be the doctor and not try to control everything, and if you are very experienced with IVF and into all the details that may be challenging for you. Communication here is not what you would expect in the US, but some of that is a cultural difference that I knew to expect. She will make the decisions and inform you after, to include how many eggs she implants.
3. Unless you've never been to India and want to do the tourist/shopping thing, there is not much to do in Anand. All the places to eat and shop are on Dr. Hitesh's map and in the blog link above. I was bored, and so nauseated I barely left the room. It was a little too hot for me to go out in that state in the middle of the day in October, but I ventured out a few times. Thank goodness for wireless internet and TV, with I think 2-3 channels in English that were playing a Schwarzzenager movie marathon unfortunately. I saw True Lies 5 times. I mostly went out to Big Bazaar for foods that didn't make me want to puke. I hated buying westernized food when I love to eat local fare, but I have never been so consistently nauseated and bloated in my life. For this reason I won't comment on the food at Rama Residency, because it may have been much better than it tasted to me at the time. I did drink the milk and eat fruit with peels, but as long as you stay away from the non-bottled water or unheated water you should be fine in my opinion.
Kellogg's & Cadbury are the few recognizable brands you'll see
I did realize that computer where all emails are recieved and responded to is right next to Dr. Patel's desk. There is an assistant on it all the time. I think most emails, of which they recieve TONS from everyone from current clients to prospective ones who want to know every last detail, are answered by an assistant. Sometimes she must copy and paste some FAQ, other times it is personalized. But I realized that the reason my email responses were stilted and brief and sometimes didn't answer all I asked was for this reason. They are VERY busy. It seems they get a lot of folks who want to know about and control every last detail. I am low maintenance in comparison, and if I wasn't I think that alone would drive me nuts.
They do track payments but aren't really demanding or communicative about due dates, so when I asked about the first payment transfer I found out that I did need to get the money transferred. Below is a chart I made of what it costs for those who are curious about doing it themselves. This is only what I came up with and not something they gave me, and doesn't include initial travel costs like airfare and lodging and food, etc. Some stuff I won't be sure on until we actually pick up the babies. I'm told the NICU fees are about $40 per day per baby, and with twins 1.5-2 wks in the NICU is common and she tends to delivery by C-section at 35 weeks. We'll see how true that is come September!
I did get to meet the surrogate, and it was a tad awkward and while Dr. Hitesh was available to translate....I didn't have much to ask beyond basic chit chat. I got a very good vibe off of her and she seemed like a confident and strong young woman who was determined to do this for her family.. Dr. Hitesh offered to take a pic with her so I did. I no longer have it because I deleted it when our attempt did not work. Anyway, she was cute as a button and got married at 15 years old to a farmer, and had been married 10yrs. She looked healthy and was shorter and smaller than me, and had very demure mannerisms. He asked if there was anything I wanted to say to her after I read the very basic profile of her he had handed me. I just said directly to her "Ghano ghano dhanyavad" which means thank you very much in her language. I got choked up when I said it to her, and that was the first time she smiled. I realized that was all I needed to say.
I did meet some couples who were suprised at the surrogate selected for them as they were older or very skinny, however ours was young and very healthy looking. I think the more slender body type is common here. You don't have control over who your surrogate is, but they will be married with at least one child. They will select one whose cycle is synced up with yours or the egg donor's. I trust Dr. Patel and I trust her selection process. I'm sad that it didn't work out with our first surrogate. I haven't met our second surrogate because we used donor eggs and a frozen sample, but I can't wait to meet her. I sent her a package with sarees, photos of us, and a personalized letter of thanks that I had translated into Gujarati below.
We thank you so very much for what you are doing for us.My husband and I are finally so happy!You are making our dreams come true. We know that carrying two babies will be difficult and you are sacrificing much time with your family. Your help in creating our family is giving us the happiness we have hoped for over eight long years of waiting. We hope that the money you receive for this incredible gift will help to make your dreams come true also.
I have not been able to carry a baby for more than a few months before it would die, so I have grieved for so many years. But you have made hope possible again. My husband and I and our entire family pray for you and your family every day. All of our parents are older and in failing health, but now they all have new life because they will get to meet their grandchildren. My husband and I married in 2004, and we have wished for children since then.
In 2003 before my husband and I were married we traveled to New Delhi India so he could introduce me to his family. We did not think then that we would get married, but a wise old man who was dying read our palms on our hands and told us our future. He said that we should be married as soon as possible, and our marriage would be very long and successful. He had never met us and knew things there was no possible way he could know. He told us that one day we would have two children, and then someday adopt a little girl. For so many years I thought he did not speak the truth, but now I know he was sent from God to give us hope...just like you were.
We will give both babies a wonderful home in the United States in the state of Texas. They will always be loved and well taken care of. We have sent you some pictures of us and our family from our wedding. Later when we finish the room for the babies we will send you pictures of our house. Please also accept these gifts of sarees. I hope you like them and wear them, but if you do not wear them I’m sure you can give them to someone who will be able to use them. Even though I am not from India I have always loved and worn sarees, so we hope you will like these.
So I finally get to Mumbai after my all to brief layover in London, and have to wait for a bus for 45 minutes after waiting in several lines hoping I'm in the right one. I think it's cool that the customs agent recognizes my last name as and Indian surname and asks me about it. No one in America does, but here I'll see family businesses that say "Grover Auto Mufflers" so I know it must be semi-common. Without sharing a language, I seem to befriend and sit next to an elderly woman who is also headed to Ahmedabad and is worried she is in the right place.
The bus turns out to take us to another terminal, which is one big room with a few shops that are closed. Did I mention it is after midnight and my flight to Ahmedabad leaves at 6am and I'm exhausted? So I have to wait overnight in this room with uncomfortable chairs, but fortunately there is a snack bar. I learn a few things going through customs:
1. Your original boarding pass issued from your first flight is not good there. You need to exchange it for an Indian boarding pass at the flight counters before passing through the final security check for the waiting room.
2. They like to stamp stuff in India.... a lot! So when they repeatedly offer luggage tags for each and every item you have as carry on take the hint and attach it. They use these to stamp that something has passed through okay. Expect more than one person to stamp and screen you at every point in the airport along your trip to Anand.
3. I don't have my saree folded quite to their liking. I am good at folding Punjabi style, but this is my first time folding Gujarati style with the pallau in front. Females are examined by other females and go into a separate line. My security agent speaks broken English and is having a good time asking me about my visit, and is very charmed by my saree and how much I like to wear them. In the space of a few minutes I have three female security agents gathered around me re-dressing and folding and pinning my saree. It was hilarious and they are having a grand time.
When I finally am released into the waiting area I realize something. I am the only white person aside from one guy. The problem is that there is a room of 100 men staring at me boldly. Really staring. Not even trying to hide it. I don't know if it is that some folks seem to think I look like this one Bollywood star or it's the saree or what, but if you've never had a hundred men stare at you at once it is truly disconcerting. I will encounter a lot of staring on my trip, but this was the most bothersome. i walk around a lot to ease my nerves and when the shops finally open I check them out. It is all touristy stuff I've seen before and I'm here to make babies, not shop. I make this odd vow that I'll shop when I come back to pick up my baby, but have this strange feeling that I'll jinx myself if I shop like I'm not coming back in 9 months. I'm not here to be a tourist this time. I do take a picture of the Playskool Saudi Arabian Melody. Woo hoo for multiculturalism, but she can't be all that much fun to play with because the whole point of Barbies is to dress them up in cute clothes.
Saudi Arabian Melody
I finally get on the long awaited bus that takes you directly to the plane on the tarmac to fly to Ahmedabad. Unfortunately I realize I've left my packet with all my printed out info as well as pics of us for our surrogate in the waiting area! It even has bank transfer codes on some of the emails. I am proud to say that someone turned it into the security agents, who look through it and call the hotel listed in the papers to let them know they have it. I tried to send my husband to pick it up but by the time he is in Mumbai it has been over a week and they disposed of it at the ticket counter. Fortunately I have one photo elsewhere for our surrogate.
After a short flight to Ahmedabad I watch the sun rise over India with excitement. I notice on the flight that of all the music and Bollywood songs they could select from, they have "When a Man Loves a Woman" muzak playing overhead. Wierd. We touch down at the cutest airport I've ever seen in Ahmedabad. I find it hilarious that we get on a bus that drives us a whopping 25 yards to the entrance to the airport. I could have walked there in less time. I get my baggage, and the driver Indrajeet that Dr. Hitesh (Dr. Patel's husband who takes care of the business end of things) had arranged is waiting for me with a sign. I've always wanted to have someone greet me at the airport with my name on a sign!
As I drive through the streets of India right into oncoming traffic for the hour or so drive to Anand, all the memories rush back and it finally hits me that I really am back in India. Some pics are from Anand, but a few are actually in Delhi at the tail end of our trip when I got touristy for a day and shot a few photos of the local flavor to show what it is like and what you'll see. They look the same, but Anand is much smaller and less developed, and you see more trash and burning in the streets and things are more run down.
Pimped out auto-rickshaw (Tuk-tuk)
Shops along street (this was actually Delhi)
Fascinating how much they fit on carts here!
Exported Rejected Doormats. Poor doormats.
Camels are common in Gujarat. And they're big!
Lots of men did double takes on their motorcycles at the white woman in a saree. Two almost had wrecks...it was funny!
So what happened then? Do you ever notice how in the movies the love stories tend to end once the couple finally realizes their love for each other? They seldom tell the tales after the wedding and before children. I always noticed in my parents photo albums how there were only a select few photos from after the wedding and before they had my brother and I.
I'm sad to say that for eight years there are not that many photos of Vinnie and I building our life together. Things started off wonderfully, and we tried to start a family right away. Why? Because I knew I wanted to be a mother and because somehow deep down I knew we would have problems and it would take a while. How did I know that? I don't know. But I just knew things with my body weren't right even though my doctor, who had been my OB/GYN since I was 14 years old, tried to reassure me that everything was fine.
It's not to say that Vinnie and I have not built many happy memories together in these past eight years. We have. But only those who have been sucked into the black hole that is infertility understand what it is like. Most people are happy having BBQ's and fun with friends and enjoy their life without children, knowing they'll have everything they want someday. But when you are ready for children, all that changes. You have all the free time in the world to go to parties and engage in hobbies and enjoy yourself, but it is empty somehow because it is not how you want to be filling your time. And you can't exactly enjoy all that free time very easily when you spend it scrimping and saving every dime because the infertility black hole sucks your money away from you as fast as you can earn it. In some ways I feel like I lost eight years of my life.
So I became a workaholic instead after my first miscarriage to fill the time. The miscarraige devastated me so much, as did each one after that. I don't care to recount the details, other than it seems like it is so callous how everyone expects you to move on and get over it so quickly like it never happened. So I endured them silently, as I did the post-partum depression that accompanies it. Did you know that you can still get post partum depression without a live birth? It actually puts you at higher risk if you are childless. I even hate the word itself. Mis-carry. It sounds like you did something wrong doesn't it?
Every passing month of failure it became harder to keep up a facade of happiness and endure the pain. I became darker and more cynical with each passing year, and hope faded to almost nothing. Parts of me shut down one by one. I think most people blamed me for my negative outlook. For not having faith, perhaps? Human beings find it much more convenient to blame the victim in most circumstances I find, because it helps them to feel more immune somehow to the pain that others suffer. They have to believe there is a reason for everything. I don't, but I think God helps us find reasons in the darkness. So God did not cause me to miscarry or cause 12 young people to get crushed by logs cause he needed another angel or their work on earth was somehow done. God has plenty, and they were not done, I assure you. And while it has made me stronger, I've endured enough in this life already I do not need to be any stronger thank you very much. I was rather certain if one more person told me to "just relax and it will happen" I was going to punch them in the face and lose my career due to the unfortunate ensuing assault charges. Don't even get me started on why you should never say that to someone suffering from infertilty.
But Vinnie stuck by me even in the worst moments when all hope seemed lost. And he still loved me even when I felt like a shadow of the woman he fell in love with.
I like a recent quote by Joe Biden, who from the loss of his wife and one of his three children to a car accident is someone who truly understands loss and pain.
"For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide. Not because they were deranged, not because they were nuts, but because they had been to the top of the mountain and they just knew in their heart they'd never get there again."
I spent years on suicide hotlines, and have for a long time understood the path from crisis to suicide and helped many people in their darkest hours. But it wasn't until I suffered infertility that I developed a deeper understanding of what it does to you when you lose hope.
Finally being pregnant in many ways is like being on top of the mountain Biden speaks of. I liken it to getting ripped out of heaven, and everything thereafter loses it's flavor because you finally know what it's like to be truly happy. It is easy to judge me for losing hope, but for the eight years that passed nothing but roadblocks presented themselves, and most were financial. Infertility is exorbitantly expensive. To attempt IVF with my condition and repeat miscarraiges is like buying a new car with only a 10% chance it will run at all. My husband lost his job and struggled to find work for two years. My insurance covers nothing related to infertility and my employer pulled their adoption assistance program in budget cuts. And the adoption tax reimbursment is slated to end on Dec 31st, 2012.
It turns out I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS is by no means a death knell to ever having a baby carried to term. Many women with PCOS do. But not me. Women like Posh Beckham and many I've met on infertility forums seem to have success. But they also seem to have a lot more money to throw at treatements with low odds. For me, I could get pregnant but even with the proper precautions for my condition I still miscarried. IVF gets you pregnant. For preventing miscarraige all you can do is take a progesterone pill and cross your fingers.
Jillian Michaels from Biggest Loser decided not to go through the roller coaster she'd seen others with PCOS suffer through and "just adopt." This week after a several year wait and struggle she finally got her baby, now toddler actually, home. This happened the same week as her partner was able to give birth to an infant with the help of a sperm donor. I am so happy for her, though admittedly slightly jealous that she is amongt the small 20% of PCOS sufferers (along with Posh Beckham) who manage to not be obese. PCOS gives you the world's worst metabolism, but being wealthy and paid to be a fitness expert seems to help matters I guess.
By the way, PCOS is not just an "infertility disorder." It gives you a very high risk of diabetes and heart disease, and at one point before my lap band surgery I was diabetic. I've been pre-diabetic since my early 20's. It also causes you to be chronically fatigued, have male pattern hair growth, wicked mood swings, and irregular periods among other things. It just plain sucks. It sucks even more to go through puberty not knowing you have it and blaming yourself for the symptoms and getting teased mercilessly by your peers. And it REALLY sucks when your doctor could have diagnosed you at any point since you were 14, but doesn't bother to because he thinks it is "just an infertility disorder" and diagnoses you at 26 while in the middle of an internal exam at your insistence that something has to be wrong, then tells you to "look it up on the internet" and leaves the room! I switched doctors after that. If I sound bitter, I am.
"Why didn't you just adopt?"
I have really grown to hate this question.
People don't realize the cost of adoption and surrogacy in America is exorbitantly expensive, and that infertility is a disease better suited to the wealthy. As sad as it is, the cost of adopting one infant child in America would be far more expensive than having twins via surrogacy in India. Adoption of a newborn involves extensive wait times, expense, and risks as well as heavy competition “selling” yourselves to potential birth mothers who can easily change their mind very late in the game. I have witnessed the nightmare of a friend whose birth mother changed her mind at the last minute, and I know that I am not strong enough endure like she has.If you are not a young male/female couple in excellent health with a Christian belief system, it can be far more difficult if not impossible. It is for these reasons so many turn to international adoption, which is fraught with many of the same problems but involves a little less risk and less expense. However, it is still more expensive than surrogacy from what I've experienced, especially when you are cut off from any reimbursement programs. I have a hard time not seeing all that bureaucracy and financial demands that you have to wade through for years as people profiting off of the pain of infertile couples and orphaned children.
While we do plan on adopting later, know that adoption involves a very long, invasive, and often costly process with few guarantees. Low cost adoption that we will be doing involves not only long waiting times, but also older children, medical and developmental disabilities, but also a high risk of losing the child to the birth parents/family even months after you have raised them and become attached to them as your own. We hope to someday add to our family through fostering and/or adoption, but that is a very difficult journey that we will be ready for at a later time. We want to feel ready for an older child, as well as a child that may need expensive medical treatments or developmental support. But the plain fact is that I am not strong enough to have a child become mine and lose it and be back to childless again. I'm. Just. Not.
As a final note, people who have had the luxury of fertility and biological children can sometimes be quick to judge others as selfish if they do not immediately accept alternative choices. However they seldom educate themselves about the complexities and expense presented to those who have not been as fortunate as they have been. Those who do judge take for granted how hard it is to give up and grieve for the losses associated with not having biological children nurtured from birth. So don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes. Or in this case traveled a few thousand miles and walked for nine months in someone else’s sandals.
So at around 7 1/2 years of marraige I am finally at the end of my rope. I'm angry and bitter and cynical and hopeless. I'm also finishing the police academy while working full time, a feat of tremendous accomplishment. I figured if my dreams of a family couldn't come true, I could at least make a career dream come true and be able to do the reserve or perhaps full time police work. It's the only other dream I've ever had for myself beyond marrying a great guy and having kids and a modest home. But as the final months of the academy approached, I was sent into a tailspin when I got a call from my incredible father-in-law.
Most people joke about and resent their in-laws. Mine are awesome. Mine love me unconditionally and treat me wonderfully, and I'm incredibly lucky to have them. That being said, my father-in-law has a way of pushing to get what he wants. In Indian culture it is simply haggling. For him it is more than that. He is a man that doesn't give up. He never gave up, even when I was ready to. Thank God for him.
In 2008 he had heard about the Oprah show with Dr. Patel featuring surrogacy in India. I felt a burst of hope when he called to tell us about it. I had previously considered surrogacy because I'd had an offer from my best friend, who is the most amazing woman I know. But sadly due to necessary legal costs and lack of insurability without exorbitant fees we were once again unable to afford it in the USA. Thanks again U.S. healthcare system, the source of all my debt. So with my heart in my throat, he emailed Dr. Patel our request to do the surrogacy program. We were rejected. She didn't have all that many surrogates at the time and was helping couples with more profound infertility issues. Like no uterus and such, I assume. She also said she did not think she could get good eggs from someone with PCOS. She turned out to be right about that years later, but I digress.
I was once again devastated. But remember how I said that my father-in-law never gives up? He emailed her secretly without telling us. Then we he was stricken with prostate cancer he saw his opportunity to email her again with an extra plea for sympathy given his illness. This time she agreed. Dr. Patel's clinic had grown in its capability over the 4 years since our rejection and had more available surrogates. In shock and with tears we agreed to try it. I had hope again, and I felt alive again. This had to work. On little to no sleep after hours of cramming I took the police exam and made the top score in my class, finished my last day at my job after demoting myself to finally focus on my family, then got on a plane to India by myself. My husband would come later after I had weeks of IVF injections in Anand, Gujarat. I passed out from exhaustion on the plane from London....and when I woke up I was in India again after almost nine years.
