It was a miracle. My husband's amazing cousin Manu shook hands, sweet talked, cajoled and got us two exit VISAS in two hours at the FRRO yesterday! Then we bought plane tickets for late tonight at 2:20am!!!
I couldn't believe it. Manu had the guys smiling and laughing at jokes. With his lease to prove residency and a copy of her hospital discharge paperwork showing medical issues that made extra travel problematic, suddenly the road block of the birth state was no more! They actually didn't even bring it up, and Manu said they were very nice men. However the reception guy claimed that because my paperwork wasn't simplified in perfect order and I had extra documents in the stack and some originals instead of copies, that was the reason he had not put me through...which he did not say the previous day at all. Not very honest, but I've been told to expect as much.
It only took one of the four men we dealt with to provide a roadblock, but with Manu's magic they helped us quickly. They wanted proof of a plane ticket already purchased, but we couldn't do that until the next day when Manu was on a business trip, and we wanted to get it done while he was still there to be a facilitator. However the guy wrote in "ticket confirmed" even when we had no proof! Manu says this is how Indian Government is, and when you grow up with it you know how to deal with folks to get stuff done. I think if your surrogacy case has any complications like ours did that paying for a facilitator is well worth it, but fortunately we didn't have to because we are related to the miracle man.
This is one hell of a hard way to have a family, but well worth it.
I'm packed and well rested, but have a headache from stressing out about everything that could go wrong and am trying to relax. The final flight home had weighed on my mind from the very first trimester, and I hope that it has been a lot of worry that is mostly unfounded. I wish we had Vinnie with us, but it is just Mom and me working as a team. I may not sleep at all for the next 24-48 hours. But I think about how strong I've been from the years of painful infertility, the year of the police academy while working full time at a stressful job, the trips to Anand and initial failure, then the months of stressful waiting, then finally the scary premature birth and months of NICU and the final journey to Delhi. I'm strong enough to do this one last leg of the journey to bring them home.
Let's hope we get the bassinet seats, so we'll arrive four hours early to the airport. Let's also hope British Airways has the superior customer service to help us through this. I've got to not be so worried about how the babies potential crying will affect other passengers, because there is only so much I can do to prevent it. I'm more worried about their exposure to germs, but the same holds true.
I can't wait to see the joy on the faces of my family meeting their grandchildren for the first time, whom they each played a unique role in helping bring into this world and bring safely home. But most of all I just can't wait to walk in my front door and place them in their beds and take a deep breath and say a prayer of gratitude. I have a son. I have a daughter. I am a mother. I have a family. The biggest dream I ever had for my life has come true, and sharing it with those that I love makes the picture complete.
So I busted Miss Tara outta the NICU a 2nd time and she is back to her usual hijinks. It kills me to hear her cry for more milk and to not be able to give it to her, but I remind myself that I'm the Mom and will spend a lifetime setting limits for her own good. Here is a video of her getting a "palliative" feed at the hospital yesterday. The nurses agree she is a hungry girl, and I had to remind the rookie nurse to cut my baby off.
It only took me only 10 minutes in billing and 30 minutes waiting for paperwork/medical records because I know the secret: Arrive early, then be visible and slightly annoying instead of following orders to wait in the back room. Random note: While in waiting rooms at the hospital I have become a champion of iphone Solitaire and Minesweeper, and now am rocking Angry Birds.
So within a half an hour of getting home we loaded up and went to the FRRO. The best description I have found on line in great detail is located here: http://ourgeminidragons.emaginations.com/wp/?p=454
My worst case scenario rather immediately came true despite pleading and groveling in two languages....they told us we had to return to Anand because their place of birth dictates which FRRO must do the VISA. I am functioning on auto-pilot with little sleep because Vivek thinks 4:30am to 7am is happy fun playtime. Frankly have been through too much to get upset, so a very eerie calm has taken me over. We simply came home and I started packing and taking steps to get on the fastest flight to Ahmedabad and arrange for a driver to Anand and 3 nights at the Rama Residency.
The family urged me to look into other options like using connections and bribing government officials, because going back to Anand will be a giant pain and extra expense. Bribery and using connections is how things work, or rather don't work like they should, in India. Manu went into overdrive and found someone who told him that if we brought a contract style document with proof of residency in Delhi that they might be obliged to help us. He wrote something up stating we are their tenants that may be stretching the truth, and will go with us tomorrow for one more attempt. If that doesn't work, then we'll take the next flight out to Ahmedabad. I think I'm going to pack just in case and it might help me feel more like the end is really in sight for this trip. 10am tomorrow we'll see what happens.
It's been fun hanging out with both babies again, and things are back the way they should be. Tara has been hanging her hiney out in the breeze all afternoon since she has an awful diaper rash from the stupid NICU not changing diapers frequently enough. It's already looking better from fresh air and liberal applications of Desitin. I'm realizing though that a little goes a long way and I have two econo tubs at home that will likely last me until potty training.
We hang out a lot on Dadima's bed since she bought a rubber blanket for that purpose.
Vivek is getting more active and grasping like crazy, but he is literally busting out of his clothes. I was very sad to do it, but realized I had no choice and cut the feet out of his sleepers. I stretch the cotton out as much as I can before putting it on him but you can see it pulls at the snaps. Tara's clothes will last the next 5-7 days we are here hopefully, but she is growing fast too. Why oh why did I tell Vinnie not to bring the newborn size clothes!
I asked Vivek his thoughts on the Indian bureaucracy we have to navigate and the crowded waiting room they insist I must bring the babies despite the risk of exposure to infection.
Last night I think I slept maybe an hour. If I did it was a very light stage of sleep ready for the slighest noise to wake me up. I think I trust the nanny enough I can maybe sleep more tonight. The funny thing is I'm not tired. I crammed in 1 hour this and had a dream so it was a decent sleep. I'm much more relaxed than I was yesterday, but still every cell in my brain that has learned to be hypervigilant is now on overdrive. I keep telling myself to sleep and they are okay and my alarm will wake me for feedings if no one else or the babies don't. Mom and the nanny want me to nap but I know that ain't happening at the moment so I'll blog instead for a bit while Mom has the nanny dyeing her hair. She also had her cook us some food to make extra money, and it tastes homeade and is awesome. Mom also had a nurse hook me up with bartha yesterday. YUM!!! Mom's got the hookup. She's the gal in prison that can get you things. Either that or the fact that she speaks the language is a major bonus in getting stuff done.
I need to take more pics, but for today I only have three. The first is them all packaged up to go to Dr. Amin's for a followup. In 3 weeks whether here or in the US I need one more follow up with a retinal surgeon to make sure all continues to go well. He gave me a write up to pass on to the next doctor.
After too long of a wait and being overcharged, finally the dilation drops set in and we go inside. No escape to the waiting room this time. Vivek cried like he was being tortured, but Tara only cried a bit for the same checkup. The pointy things being poked at my babies eyes didn't totally freak me out, but a tear leaked out the corner of my eye. Mom did not look like she was taking it well and stared at the ceiling while he screamed. But the checkup said all is well, so that is good news!
The guy who is delivering our luggage by train is coming tomorrow between 12-1 so after a struggle I've packed up the less essential stuff for shipping. It is HARD to cut back to so little but let's hope it all works out. If the luggage doesn't arrive we can survive, but it won't be posh and we'd have to purchase a lot. I'll just have to trust it will all get there. But the amount of luggage we are taking on the plane is much more doable with two babies in tow.
I did call Dr. Kothiala today to verify the calcium supplement dosage was given to me correctly because it seemed rather high and exceeded dosage limits for infants on the bottle, but she assured me 5mL is correct because they were premature.
Let me just say on a 2 hour feeding schedule the feeling is "didn't we JUST feed them!" every time the odd hours roll around. When Miss Tara catches up to her brother we can transition to 3 hour schedule and that will be a dream compared to this. Master Vivek is quite a vocal boy, and likes to grunt like a man often. It worries Mom that he is so grunty, but I don't think it is anything to worry about so far. Tara is peaceful and only makes tiny coos most of the time...but she toots like I cannot believe.
I love love love dressing them up so much now. They are sooooo cute out of those ugly NICU outfits that I am NOT taking with me. Here are some pics of today's outfits, and I'm getting better at giving drops without them drooling the bright medicine colors onto the outfits. I also haven't gotten anything peed on except diapers today, so no clothes changes today! Here are pics of them in their little sleepers. Vivek may be hatless from now on because twice he has somehow pulled it onto his face and cried. It scared me, but he just can't seem to keep a hat on and I don't want to risk it anymore. Hers stay on pretty well with only occasional adjustments.
As a final note: I am homesick. When I think about seeing my husband again I get really emotional. I think it will all be so much easier to bear when we are together again. I wish my mother were here too. It is still very hard doing this in a hotel room in a poor dusty town on the other side of the planet, but I'm trying to celebrate the little moments and just enjoy my babies and not let all the little to do's to get them home get in the way.
I keep rehearsing things because I know the sleep deprivation could cause me to forget something important. Hence me forgetting to bring hand sanitizer and nipples for the bottles I brought to the doctor's office this morning. I re-read some docs the embassy sent us and learned we need a photo of myself and the hubby and not just the babies, and the hospital staff are charging us 1600 rupees X3 people to take a freaking cheek swab, and we have to jump through hoops to get it paid via bank draft. That complicates the day before the appointment unless family can help us do that with ease. Tomorrow no doctor appts and just running to get a prescription and then getting passport photos scheduled. It should be a more relaxing day and I plan to take more pictures and bond.
Tara always looks like she is making gang signs to me
Vivek cheering that Mommy is sucking a little bit less today
This day has been absolutely overwhelming! I cannot believe they are actually at the hotel and mine to take care of. I'm feeling outnumbered even though at the moment there are 3 of us (including the professional nanny) and two of them. My mind has been racing all day trying to stay on top of what to do next. I'm sure if I was at home with all my stuff and perfect setup and devices and gadgets and phone and resources and nurse line AND HUSBAND I would be much more relaxed.
The hotel staff was nice enough to have four dudes help carry our stuff to our new room this morning so I got it set up to my liking. It isn't home, but it will do for 6 days.
I'd seen others discharged so I knew it would take a while. First you talk with Dr. Kothiala and get basic discharge instructions, and since I have been around here for a while they mostly consisted of what meds and supplements to administer and when. She also wrote me a prescription to fill in case I needed it for a few things. Figuring out when to give what dosages of the calcium, iron, folic acid, multivitamin, and domperidone drops took some doing but I wrote it on some hotel stationary and coordinated it with certain feedings to make it part of the routine. We have to go to the retinal surgeon for follow up tomorrow and I'll fill those prescriptions. Thursday we have to pack for the friend of Vinnie's cousin Manu who is picking up less essential luggage and shipping it to Delhi for us so we can fly light. Then back to Dr. Kothiala on Friday for follow up and to get two letters for permission to fly in case Tara is under 2kgs and a letter to their new pediatrician/neonatologist in Delhi "introducing" them as well as copies of all her medical records for the both of them.
After seeing the doctor, I had to go upstairs and pay surprise medication fees, then some more lab fees downstairs. I ran to the hotel with all their stuff and supplies and the two wooden risers they loaned us so that they can sleep with their heads elevated. We'll return the latter before we leave. Then back to the NICU after I secured a tuk-tuk to take us for the very short drive to Rama. Then we went in to see Dr. Kothiala for one last checkup before we left. She was tickled at the lovely "graduation" outfits I had for both of them. I bought them special at a store that sells doll clothes! She thought it was so cute she took a picture.
Then the short walk to the tuk-tuk with precious cargo. Mom had us stop at the Ganesh mandir in front of Rama just outside the elevator and offer blessings before we walked in.
Once inside the room I laid them down and tried to warm them up because I can't seem to figure out how to make the AC not blow so darn cold. Priyanka figured it out later for me. I changed them out of their NICU outfits into a little monkey outfit to make Mom happy and a pink ensemble for the little lady. They looked adorable and I was thrilled to have them out of their boring Indian tie on outfits they have worn every day up until now. I promised Vivek to never dress him in pink again. I didn't do a very good job dressing them but I know it will get easier. I hate to admit my hands were shaking a bit because all the nerves were settling in. The silence of no beeping is shocking to the system. They seem to have adjusted better than me.
My little monkey man
Tara loves her new girly clothes
Tara trying to leave and go back to NICU
So none of my nightmares came true where I couldn't make a bottle. We got them right back on the NICU feeding schedule, and until they are bigger we'll stick with 2 hr feedings. I'm so glad my brother gave me those small bottles because I could bring so many that I don't spend half my day washing and sterilizing. I have changed Mr. Vivek two times already today, once because I didn't catch his pee mid diaper change...again. The other one was due to a diaper leak.
The silence between feedings is deafening. I keep thinking I should be doing something. I can't fathom sleeping but I know at some point I'll have to. So far the apnea alarms work great, and I've had a few false alarms but learned how to attach them to the diaper better. I know it is the only way I'll be able to sleep.
So many thoughts race through my head and my confidence is like a roller coaster. But I look at them and bond in a way I haven't been able to before. They are really mine. I keep repeating that but it still seems so impossible that the dream is alive and happening right now.
It is now 11pm and I'm going to try to sleep. Tara just had the oddest feed I've seen so far, and just about spit all the milk across the room. I've never seen her refuse to suck like that. She was NOT having it but we managed to get some down her. I've also never realized up until now how much these little ones toot. It turns out with all the beeping monitors and alarms in the NICU I couldn't hear it before. So I'll sleep now. In theory...
The excitement is building! Mom had a long morning with the babies while I took care of some things at the hotel and video chatted with my husband. He says he feels 80% recovered, so by his flight on the 24th he should be feeling 100% at this rate. I'm excited to get flight details confirmed for him, and my father-in-law secured them through his travel agent friend and got us an amazing price!! He'll be in India in Delhi at 12:35am on the 26th. It will be early in the morning, but something tells me I'll be the one pulling night shift with the babies anyway.
We have initially heard that our nanny's name is Priyanka, but then heard that Petra got her and we are getting Ganga instead. Either way she should indeed speak Hindi as requested so at least Mom can communicate with her. If all goes well she will show up tomorrow at 11:00 for bottle feeding practice and discharge instructions. She will work an 8pm-8am shift every night for us starting on discharge day so Mom and I have at least some chance at sleeping.
The Snuzas were clipped onto their diapers and worked perfectly, though I had to go home and google how to shut them off during diaper changes. I have so much more peace of mind with them attached. They met with Dr. Kothiala's approval so I removed them for the time being to save battery power. She asked for the 2nd manual copy we had for her to keep so that she can recommend it to other patients, and took notes on where to purchase and the cost. Glad to know our decision to use them may help other families with higher risk preemies.
Mom and I went to aarti (prayer service) tonight at the temple, and prayed that all goes well with discharge and at home, and that Vinnie travels safely and we are able to go home promptly. It was a nice temple, but as usual it is not allowed to take pics. Speaking of pics, I didn't take any of the babies today. I'm a bad Mommy today. They are growing so fast. He is 1900 grams today and she is 1760, or 4lbs 3oz and 3lbs 14oz. Now when I do kangaroo care their little legs pass my waist. By comparison with most babies they are still tiny, but to me they are huge now!
Signing off...Mom is catching up with all her friends and family tonight and is on the phone with the 7th of her friends. I hear the babies names occasionally and a few English words. Hope she rests up because tomorrow we pack to move rooms, and make our last shopping forays.
For around Dh20,000, there are women in India who are willing to be surrogate mothers for couples hoping to have a child. Helen Roberts reports on the burgeoning womb on hire industry in India
Published: September 14, 2012
Women at a surrogate house in Ahmedabad waiting to deliver.
Parvati Lal Bahadur Yep is eight months pregnant with twins. Dressed in a pink and white maternity gown the 30-year-old gently caresses her distended belly as she paces the sparsely decorated room of a house in Ahmedabad, in the western Indian state of Gujarat.
Parvati is trying hard not to get too emotionally attached to the babies kicking inside her. She knows she’ll be giving them away less than an hour after they are born to a couple from South Africa she’s met just once. After all, they have paid her around Rs300,000 (Dh20,000) to carry the babies for them – an unimaginably huge amount compared to the Rs7,000 (Dh464) per month that her husband earns as a driver.
“I have my family – my three beautiful children – I don’t want any more. I’m not getting attached to these babies as I’ll be giving them away,’’ says Parvati, trying hard to mask the emotional bonds she fears she’ll develop with the unborn babies in the course of her ‘job’.
What has made Parvati sign up with an infertility clinic in Ahmedabad and give up nine months of her life with her family to stay in the home along with 60 other surrogate mothers is very clear – the money that she will get.
“What my husband earns is barely enough to buy food to feed our three children,’’ Parvati says. “So when my neighbour told me about earning a huge amount of money as a surrogate I got in touch with an agent who put me in touch with a clinic.’’
The clinic Parvati works for – Akanksha Infertility Clinic – has two houses full of pregnant women and it is not the only one in India. There are an estimated 1,000 such clinics in Hyderabad, Delhi, Mumbai and Ahmedabad. Dubbed ‘baby factories’ they have been responsible for as many as 2,000 surrogate births for women overseas last year.
Dr Kamini Patel, the director of Vani IVF Centre, in Ahmedabad, has delivered 48 surrogate babies since she opened the centre nine years ago. “These women live very challenging lives. Being a surrogate has transformed them, and in my opinion, they’re doing great work,” she says.
In 2002 India legalised commercial surrogacy and since then the industry has boomed, making the country a lucrative medical tourism destination. Of the estimated 2,000 surrogate births in India, the majority are in Gujarat. The state has become known as the surrogacy capital of India because it is cheaper, has clear laws and possibly because Akanksha’s director and founder Dr Nayna Patel appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show in 2007 to talk about surrogacy. The Confederation of Indian Industry, a non-profit organisation that closely works with the government on policy issues, predicts that this year surrogacy will generate $2.3 billion (Dh8.4 billion).
Couples fly to India from the UK and the US hoping to realise their dream of having a baby by taking advantage of the legal and more affordable surrogacy industry there.
But Westerners are not the only ones making a beeline to the fertility clinics. Many infertile couples in India, too, are turning to their country’s surrogates. Bollywood star Aamir Khan and his wife Kiran Rao are two of the high-profile celebrities who have had a baby through surrogacy.
Some couples need an egg donor, while others need a womb as a ‘vessel’ to house their embryos. One thing that is certain, the couples who need a donor or a surrogate live a very different life and come from very different economic circumstances than the surrogates who often live in an impoverished village or slum struggling to make ends meet.
The cost of surrogacy in the US is approximately $160,000 (Dh587,697), but in India it costs a couple between Dh82,000 and Dh118,000 for a surrogate – depending which clinic they choose and how plush they want their stay in India to be. The surrogate gets between Dh17,000 and Dh30,000 and the rest of the money goes to the clinic to cover medical expenses and accommodation for the surrogate.
While most couples dip into their savings to afford the fees, the money the surrogates earn allow them to buy a house, send their own children to a good school and secure a financial future they never dreamed of before. The clinics produce safe and binding contractual agreements with each surrogate that makes it impossible for any loopholes to emerge – as is common with surrogacy in the UK. The strict laws also mean there is very little possibility that the surrogate will fail to hand over the baby as sometimes happens in the UK and the US. Experts say the watertight contracts are one reason India has become so popular and trusted for surrogate births.
Legal and medical protection
The Indian Council of Medical Research (ICMR) has set national guidelines to regulate the industry, and Indian law states the surrogates must sign away her legal rights to the baby as soon as it is born.
To better regulate this growing industry, India’s Health Ministry recently drafted the country’s first surrogacy laws, which set age limits and the frequency with which surrogates can give birth. A woman must be over 21 but less than 35 years old and cannot have delivered more than five times.
Each surrogate can only ‘rent’ their womb up to three times. India’s law prohibits them from doing it any more in order to protect their health. But often, the women give birth to twins or even triplets - up to three times.
However, surrogacy has not been without its pitfalls and dangers. In May, Premila Vaghela, 30, a surrogate for an American couple, died due to complications when she was eight months pregnant. The child was delivered by C-section after Premila collapsed and is doing well.
The process of becoming a surrogate is not easy. The candidates are medically and psychologically tested before they’re given the all clear, says Dr Kamini. The clinics also check if the women already have children so they know whether or not they are familiar with child bearing and delivery. One of the conditions to become a surrogate is that the woman should have delivered at least one child. Most surrogates choose to leave their families for nine months in a bid to keep their actions a secret from in-laws and other relatives.
In Parvati’s case, no one other than her husband and mother know that she is having another couple’s baby. For her, It is imperative that it is kept a secret as her in-laws and some people in her community believe surrogacy is a form of infidelity.
“Even though I have no doubts about what I am doing, I would rather keep it private,’’ she says. “I don’t want people to think badly of me in my community for leaving my family for nine months. I don’t want to take the risk.’’
To prevent too many questions from being asked by neighbours or relatives about her absence, the usual excuse a surrogate offers is that she is going to spend some time at her maternal home due to a medical condition or an ill family member.
Every Sunday the surrogates are allowed visitors, which is when their husbands and children bring them items they have missed from home such as family photos, a favourite dress or even a favourite dish of food. But the couples who hire the surrogate do not visit. “We do not encourage the couples to connect directly with the surrogates to eliminate any possibility of blackmailing,’’ says Dr Kamini.
When Parvati met the couple she is having her surrogate twins for, she was transparent about her reasons for doing this. “They asked me what I would do with the money and I told them about my financial situation,’’ she says. “I also told them that I needed it to give my children a better life.’’ The rooms in the house where the surrogates stay are neat and clean, but bare. There is a TV and a music system, and most evenings the women watch popular soaps.
Around 25 pregnant women stay in each house, and typically there are about five women per room. Keeping all the women in one place suits the clinics as the women can be monitored. Doctors and nurses can make sure they are taking all their vitamins, eating well and having the right ultrasounds. It also means blood tests and blood pressure readings can be taken as often as required.
Surrogate sisterhood
There is unity between the women. They all know they are there to do a job. They support one another and when one is due to give birth the others rally around her.
Each house has a master nurse who cares for the surrogates and makes sure they are medically taken care of and emotionally supported throughout the process. The nurse is trained and qualified and is very often someone who has retired from a government hospital in India. She is very experienced in helping pregnant women.
No cooking is done in the house. Instead, a dabba walla (lunchbox delivery boy) delivers a traditional Indian tiffin box, a three-tiered food container, at meal times and the women all sit and eat together.
The food is simple but well balanced and nutritious. “We ensure that all her and the baby’s nutritional and medical needs are met,’’ says Dr Kamini.
The beds are simple, and each room has a fan but no air conditioning, even when temperatures hit 40 degrees. But compared to their own huts in slums, that often lack even the most basic facilities, the house the surrogates stay in is palatial.
Fees for the surrogates – who are never told the sex of the foetus they’re carrying – depend on whether they carry a single baby, twins or triplets. The women say they still receive partial payment if they miscarry or if scans detect a problem that results in the termination of the pregnancy – a procedure they have no say over. How much they get depends on how many months along they are. “Yes it would be nice to get paid more… we all want more money. But I want to be here doing this,’’ says Parvati.
She doesn’t think the women are misled or tricked into becoming surrogates – they volunteer knowing the financial benefit their family will receive.
Although there are agents who liaise between the women and the centres, she says once they arrive at the hospital they are given a comprehensive explanation of what to expect from the process and what is expected of them in return.
“We have all got involved in surrogacy willingly. We know what we are doing,’’ Parvati insists. “I’m sure people overseas live very good lives but this is my life and I want to make the best of it. I’m glad surrogacy exists because it’s an option for me to make more money. I’m thankful for that.’’
Although they are doing it for the financial benefits, many women find it difficult to cut the emotional cord that develops during the nine months they carry the baby.
Manuben, a surrogate at Akanksha says: “I had to programme myself not to build any emotional links with the baby. I had to keep thinking this is not my baby and that I am here only to do a job. Each job has a requirement and this is the requirement of being a surrogate, I guess.’’
Thirty-five-year-old Jaya Ben Raval from Nadiad in Gujarat is married with two children. She is seven months pregnant. “I do have an emotional bond with the baby I am carrying,’’ she admits, stroking her bump.
“Of course you get a little attached to the baby growing inside of you and it’s a little hard at the end, but it has to be ended when you deliver.’’
Parvati nods her head in agreement: “As soon as the baby is born I know I’ll think about it for a while, but my love for my own children will be more powerful. In the end, giving birth to this child means I’ll finally be reunited with my own. I don’t know anyone who has regrets.”
The clinics do all they can to ensure there is little bonding between surrogates and the babies they are carrying.
“The baby remains with the surrogate for just an hour before it’s handed over to the couple. The surrogates most definitely do not breast feed – to prevent bonding. There are some clinics that don’t allow them to meet the baby at all,” explains Dr Kamini.
The women leave the hospital as soon as they are able to take care of themselves. In the case of complications, the centre takes care of them offering all the medical help they need. The women are allowed to pay for their treatment in instalments.
Many of the clinics take care of the women even after they have finished working for them. The Akanksha Infertility Clinic has formed the Anand Surrogate Trust, which helps the surrogates after they deliver. A group of women help the surrogates with any emotional or psychological issues they have following the birth. They also help her own children to get a better education and become involved in extracurricular activities at centres across the region.
Win-win situation
Akanksha’s founder Dr Nayna believes that surrogacy is a win-win situation for all – something many Indian doctors agree with. The doctors also believe that it is in the interest of clinics to take good care of the women involved in commercial surrogacy.
The surrogates are happy to bring a smile to the faces of childless couples desperate for a child. “I am helping a woman fulfil her dreams while she is helping me provide a better life for my own children. It works both ways.’’ Parvati says.
Manuben says: “The money I get from being a surrogate mother has earned me respect and freedom.’’ Jaya who is sitting on the nearby bed, agrees: “We are choosing to do this so we can better our lives. Is that a bad thing?’’
Busy day. I felt much better and got an early start after having breakfast with one of the two Irish couples here for attempts at surrogacy. We went on a shopping trip so I could get some gifts for the wonderful women that threw my baby shower. We also stopped by Dr. Hitesh's and made sure a nanny was being secured for the 18th, but would also show up the day before at 11am at the NICU for bottle feeding practice, etc. We had a nice lunch at La Casa Inn at their restaurant La Casita, and it was very yummy and worth a 2nd visit.
Smiley girl
Tara milk coma
In other news Manju showed up again to say hello to the babies briefly and Mom met her. I think she must have some other business here and this is only a brief stop for her, because she seems to come often.
The flights for us to Delhi are now booked on the 24th. Woo hoo!
Vivek's eyes are less swollen today and it is barely noticable, and he is only slightly fussy.
Vivek looking less swollen
Vivek in a liesurely repose
Now all that is left is waiting. It still sucks. In fact, it sucks even more. I know I'm having abnormal amounts of pent up frustration and emotion, which are normal for this type of situation at this late stage. But it still surprises me when an insane amount of anger brews at a micromanaging nurse who stops me mid-diaper change and takes over. It is all I can do not to shove her aside and yell "THIS IS MY SON! MINE!!! NOT YOURS!!! I can change a diaper just as well as you thank you very much! And don't point at me because the clean one is soiled now because that was your fault, which I did not need your expertise to point out!And CLOSE the top to the wipes container so you don't dry out and waste them every time you change them! NOW BACK OFF!!" Ahhh...I feel so much better now.
I'm feeling very territorial I guess because I'm sick and tired of everyone else having control over the care of my children, and being largely unable to communicate with them about it. I want them home with me where I can give them so much more love and attention. I've gotten so good at everything the nurses do they don't assist me with anything that they used to, even monitor resets and clearning malfunctions. Except this diaper change for some reason, which made me want to fly off the handle. Instead I just gave her a dirty look and fumed silently for an hour. Mom talked me down off the ledge when we returned to the hotel and told me to keep it together for four more days.
Vivek says "Live long and prosper and CHILL OUT Mommy"
Today we have an onslaught of new pictures. For the first time we put the babies together in the same isolette! Reunited and it feels so good! Together again after a month and a half! They looked adorable and were largely oblivious about it. Either that or Vivek tried to punch her in the eye on purpose. Mom is going to try to work on holding the camera steady so all pictures of me aren't blurry.
And for the grand conclusion, tonight's weigh in! Vivek was right at 4lbs but lost a few grams today (this happens every few days but they usually have a big jump the next day). Miss Tara is catching up, but you never know if she'll surpass him. By the time they come to the hotel they'll be 4lbs, around 4 1/2 when we leave for Delhi. They'll easily be 5 1/2 to 6 lbs when we leave for the US.
So as you can see, she has once again caught up and they are both 3lbs 11 oz. I'm betting by Friday they finally reach the 4 lb landmark, which will be about double Tara's size from when she was born!
News from the USA is that my husband is fine and will be discharged today around 10am. Thank goodness! He apparently felt well enough to post on my Facebook page that he is alright and appreciates everyone's concern. I miss him so much anyway, but now I'm missing him so much my heart's about to explode.
I solved a few problems to either buy time until Vinnie gets here or avoid him coming. The first is we made some corrections to the contract so that Vinnie will not need to come to Anand to re-sign it. The second is that Dr. Hitesh said it isn't essential that Vinnie come at all to the Delhi embassy from what he knows, but I'm waiting on an embassy email to confirm that. The last problem was getting more formula, because Vinnie was going to bring 6 extra cans of Similac Neosure. I asked if Hitesh's friend Uday still had the cans of formula my friend Michelle left, but he had already given them away to another family like mine. However I asked Dr. Kothiala and she said that by the time I'll be running out of preemie formula that they will need to switch to regular fomula anyway. She assured me the Indian fomula Farex is good, so for maybe two weeks we'll have to use it if Vinnie can't come, which is no big deal. If he does come I'll have him bring Earth's Best formula, which is my formula of choice anyway.
Mom and I met with Dr. Kothiala today and discussed discharge. She didn't want to say much until she saw the results of their blood test and saw how their hemoglobin levels were. I did not get to hear the results today, but will ask tomorrow. She did say the both of us have to be comfortable with bottle feeding, so while I am (with a monitor attached for right now), Mom still has a ways to go in getting confident and having Vivek finish a bottle. She suggested I feed Tara exclusively since she is more difficult. I've gotten pretty good so that is no problem. She assured us that in two weeks we will see a big difference in their sucking/swalllowing/breathing coordination...which was good to hear. She said 1-2 weeks until discharge, we'll have to wait and see. I'm having a harder time leaving them and missing them more. It seems like all I can think about is how much I want to bring them home as time goes on. She did not suggest traveling before 2 weeks.
I finally told Master Vik about the terrible news of his Daddy's hospitalization.
Vivek was initially distressed, but I patted his belly and calmed him down. He said he looks forward to meeting his Daddy and promises not to pee or urp on him for at least one day.
I am twice as confident today bottle feeding as I was yesterday. Both Tara and Vivek desatted and bradied hard during bottle feeds today, but I handled it much better. I was decisive of when to give breaks and burps. I did learn a new trick... Tara was sucking well and staying well oxygenated, which was odd because she isn't that good yet. It seemed like no milk was moving. Sure enough the tip was clogged. Now I know to watch for milk movement, bubbles coming up to show displacement, and milk eeking out the sides of the babies mouth to be sure it is flowing...otherwise you need to smoosh the tip between your fingers to clear it then tip it upside down to make sure droplets are coming out.
I have been captivated by the adorable crown my son has right at the front right of his forehead hairline. This will give him an adorable "Superman" curl for life and probably only give him one option for how he parts his hair.
I finally got to talk to my Mom tonight for two hours, right after I talked to my wonderful in-laws. I'm so excited about my mother-in-law coming I can hardly stand the wait! I enjoyed talking to both my Mom's tonight so much... I really needed it. I am very sad and disappointed though to learn that my mother cannot come to India anymore due to health concerns about how the trip could affect her by her doctor, as well as developments with my Stepdad's Alzheimer's. But she is going to help board our little dog Ralphie instead, make some of the finishing touches on getting my home ready, and arrange for the welcome wagon at the airport upon our return. I've been envisioning and planning for almost a year about what it would be like with my mother here, so trying to let go of that and re-envision how things will go is difficult. But I'm glad I had that to keep me going this whole time, because whether I show it or not it is really hard being here doing this by myself right now. With just my husband and my mother-in-law and myself it will be much more difficult to handle 2 babies on a 2 hr feeding schedule, so depending on how things go I may reconsider hiring a nanny for $10 a day.
Today was one of those days I wish I wasn't alone here.
It started off on a positive note changing rooms. The air conditioner hardly worked in my original room, the faucet was wierd, and the room setup wasn't optimal. My new room is the same size, but it is set up slightly different in a really good way that works so much better for me. It is also cleaner and has a great faucet though the bathroom is smaller. The AC blows ice cold and no sediment is coming out of it. It's amazing how refreshing and engergizing this small change of scenery is. Now if I can just stop freaking out the new resident of 308 and stop trying to open their door out of habit.
The problem was that Tara had a rough feed early this afternoon and it really shook me up. All the bottle feeds I have done turned out to be when they were hungry and semi-alert. But Tara was not any of those things. She wouldn't open her mouth, blocked the bottle with her tongue, and was determined to sleep. She didn't want to suck, and would barely swallow what she had in her mouth or would start to gag on it. I had no idea bottle feeding could be so difficult and require such subtle skill, but now I have a taste of the bottle feeding difficulties I've read about. I'm frustrated with myself that I seem inept when it comes to detecting her getting cyanotic, because something about their skin coloring being darker must make it harder for me to see when paleness or duskiness occurs. I'll try to focus on the palms of the hands or lips, but it causes me a lot of anxiety. She dipped the lowest I've ever seen her and the nurse grabbed her out of my arms and gave her some painful stimulation until she cried. I know it was good for me to see and learn, but it broke my heart. I felt like an idiot that she got down that low and I didn't realize and stop it. I thought it was a faulty monitor at first because it had just malfunctioned and had to be reattached a few moments before then. I have to be decisive during feedings about when to take breaks and burp them to keep them alert or give them rest, when to turn or tap the bottle, when to back off a bit. I need a third arm to stimulate her while the others hold her and the bottle. Sigh. Sandia assured me this is something that should not be happening around the time of discharge when I asked, because there is no way at this stage I could feed her without guidance from the nurses.
I took a late lunch break after that since I'd gotten a late start with the room switch and ordered lunch from room service, and was determined to get back in the saddle later today and bottlefeed at least one of them again. They have two weeks to improve their weight and bottle feeding skills, but I think it is still possible. I'm keeping the mantra in my head of "The most important thing to remember about the NICU is that it will end." I let Sandia handle the rest of Tara's feedings for the day, and they were equally as difficult it appeared.
Vivek was also a sleepyhead though and I applied some of my knowledge with him and felt I did a better job feeding him. Then as soon as the feed is over he wakes right up, as did she, and is being alert and adorable when he should be asleep.
I tried kangaroo care with Tara after, and then she went and desatted and bradyed pretty hard into 60%/70bpm. This time I didn't hesitate and stimulated her hard and flicked her foot hard enough to hurt until she cried loudly twice, and she went right back into the upper 90's and stayed there. Sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love.
The most important thing to remember about the NICU, is that it will eventually be over. I ordered Domino's pizza to end the night and remember as Scarlett O'Hara said..."tomorrow is another day."
Today wasn't about me, but about a new friend in the NICU. I had lunch with Petra from New York, whose son Isaac is on the CPAP and overcoming some initial difficulty possibly brought on by gestational diabetes. He is 34 weeks, but having some issues associated with more preterm babies possibly due to some belated development. I loaned her my The Premature Baby Book copy my brother loaned me by Dr. Sears, but more importantly gave her hours of advice and as much information as possible. I shared a lot of my brother and sister-in-law's hard won wisdoms and NICU tales with her, and I know it must have helped her a lot too like it did me. I hope it wasn't too overwhelming because it took me a month to learn everything I shared. Later that night I also helped walk her over to Dr. Patel's and pow-wow with her surrogate and sort out some confusion with the breast milk provisions, which fortunately got resolved.
We talked over a super yummy but pricey lunch at Madhaban Resort where they are staying. I knew it was nice over there, but had no idea. The place is like Shangri-La and is a true paradise..and I don't just say that because it stands in stark contrast to Anand. I shot a few pics of a pretty water feature in one of the bazillion gardens they have there, and a gigantic hand carved wooden statue.
I did two more bottle feeds today, one for each baby. Only some slight desats into the 70's that I could see coming on before they happened. I doubted my instincts on giving Vivek a break when I saw one coming on and he was slowing down on the bottle despite my encouragement and mimicing the turns and taps the nurses do to help finish a feed. But then Sandia told me it was okay and she was doing that very thing for Tara across from me. I need to work on my burping skills, and Vivek urped all down my arm right after I thought I was done with the burps.
Both babies hiccup a lot after eating, which I know comes with the territory for babies and will ease up with age. I love every little noise they make, but I find hiccups particularly cute.
The cardiologist came tonite that comes every 2 mos, but did not examine my babies. I asked Dr. Kothiala about it and said sonography can confirm but she sees no need to because clinically there is no indication that my babies have anything wrong with their hearts, or any holes in them. I decided to be satisfied with that.
Tara was hamming it up for the camera today instead of Vivek, and with a little patience I got my first shot of her smiling with her eyes open.
I think one of the things she is smiling about is explained in the below photos:
Tonight's weigh in was shocking! Miss Tara finally succeeded in besting her brother, and not only weighs 5 grams more but broke the 3lb mark first by a hair. Vivek was clearly perturbed by this news, because tonight he was so active and restless, throwing his limbs around, making faces, tossing his head back and forth, and even crying on occasion. I was in the other room at one point and realized it was actually my baby crying, because now he has the strength to cry loudly enough to where I can hear when I'm not right next to him, and he sounds more like a baby crying than an angry squirrel like before. I took many, many photos of my mighty man declaring his discontent tonight and of his general expressiveness. If he closed his eyes and rested more and burned less calories maybe he would catch back up to his sister. Sorry pics are blurry, but he wouldn't stay still tonite!
Pensive Vik
Drowsy Vik
Exasperated Vik
Surreptitious Vik
Contented Vik
Curious Vik
Annoyed Vik
Miss Tara on the other hand was as peaceful as ever. I have to say tonight holding them both I felt a sense of bonding take over, but partly it is because they seem more alert and I am more confident and less concerned about the monitors desatting so I can just focus on loving my babies. The thrilling news is that so far today I noticed no discernable difference from them being removed from caffeine! So far so good....
Smiling at winning the weight bout finally
Saving her energy for growing bigger
I'm definitely becoming a more confident mother. Miss Tara grunted while I was holding her and I thought I smelled something, and sure enough my detective skills correctly identified a full diaper for the second time. The first one was a loud bomb, so I can't take credit for my discernment on that occasion. I didn't wait for anyone to help and I transferred her back to the isollette and changed it myself. This may sound like no big deal, but at only 3lbs she is still delicate, there are wires hanging off her and she is tangled up in a blanket, and I have to get her off of my bare chest where my clothes are discombobulated and gently transition from sitting to standing with grace and ease. I've developed a method for transitioning to cradle hold first using the blanket for stability, then it is easier and safer to stand up without risking any jostling or bumping. I was afraid to do much before this point because the nurses watch you like a hawk and don't initially trust you to do things like they would. I was partly waiting to handle my babies more independently until I watched how they did it and they were more comfortable with my handling.
Tara working something out
I've figured out a new method to get me emotional to help me produce more milk, and so far it seems to be working. When you pump 15 min at a time for 8 times per day you can only stare at pics of your kiddos for so long trying to stir up emotion. So instead I started watching videos on YouTube of babies and then that transitioned into vids of soldiers coming home and greetings by family, children, and dogs. It does the trick! I'm happier with my production level, and if I can put out just a little more I know that the 2-3 teaspoons I can produce per pumping right now will add up to something that helps my babies. I'm not trying to store and serve it to my babies right now because I lose so much in drops that stick to the sides of the plastic on the way to the bottle, and so focusing on when they attempt to breastfeed in a week or two may be more fruitful. It will also be easier than trying to collect all day for a tiny bit per baby that the nurses will find odd for me to push getting added to their feed of formula and be awkward with the language barrier.
Today Hitesh wasn't in, so still working on FMLA paperwork. It was a bad luck day with tuk-tuks and I must have chatted up 3 drivers for every 1 driver that knew where I wanted to go. This town is not that big, and I typically mention 3-4 nearby businesses to help them be sure the general area I want to go. Frustrating. I also follow two more generally smart rules:
1. Always name your price first before you get in. Prevents surprises and rip-off's later.
2. If you don't have 40-70 rupees (cost of most rides) then check to make sure they have change if you have 100 bills. They pull this "no change" stuff on you sometimes, which is a load of horse hockey. If they know how to say "no change" they have change, which is typically in their front pocket or hidden in a locked compartment on the console of the tuk-tuk. Maybe if the tuk-tuk is real beat up and the driver looks like they haven't bathed in a few weeks they may have no change, but usually I think they are scamming you.
I went to Dawat again, but despite me seeing eggplant all over town they said no Baingan bartha available. That was the 1 reason I went there, so for the rest of my stay I'm abandoning Dawat and sticking with Decent Restaurant where they have it with corn in it at least. I ordered spaghetti instead to try "Continental Fare." DO NOT FALL FOR THE SPAGHETTI!!! I've seen it all over menus around town, but it is spaghetti noodles with a super cheesy creamy sauce that is sweetened by pineapple juice. It is like a cheesy dessert thing trying to be savory. It was awful, but they love it around here. I took one bite and very politely told them I wasn't going to eat it, and to my suprise they didn't charge me for it. I felt bad. Then I walked over to Subway and got a veggie patty sandwich to go, where they gave and charged me for chips I didn't ask for, so I guess it evened out.
I met a guy from London and his twins tonight at the NICU, and I'm pretty sure his partner and mother in law. I'm pleased because I thought that Dr. Patel only helped heterosexual couples...but if my guess is correct then that isn't true. That was one serious criticism I had of Dr. Patel was that she wasn't open to homosexual couples or surrogates who were not married, but my surrogate is divorced and these two gentlemen appeared to be a couple.
But tonight ended with some special shots of me holding my son, because he was such a little bundle of energy and I realized I hadn't had many photos of me with the babies except for the first few days. I'll try to include more.
And my most favorite pic of all and my new Facebook profile pic:
