Worth

In these past two weeks since she's been home, I come to the opinion that having twins with one requiring medical care must be like having triplets. It's not that the routine care Tara requires is terribly complicated (though recognizing signs/symptoms of problems and discussing modifications to care with her doctors is), but that it is time intensive. I've got them sleeping through the night. I've got them sleeping at the same times during the day for the most part. Finally having continuity of care has her health as stable as it has ever been. But it doesn't matter. Because every 1-2 hours something has to get done except for one 4 hour gap from 4am-8am. Here is a short list:

1. 6 different medications delivered on a  strict schedule
2. Breathing treatments every 6 hours
3. Chest physical therapy every 6 hours
4. 2-3 bottle feeds per day for 15 minutes, requiring the feeding pump to be turned off for an hour beforehand. Her oral feeds will be upped gradually in frequency and duration to get her to 100% oral feeds, hopefully before she starts solids in 4 1/2 months.This will make things much more time intensive.
5. 2-3 doctor appointments or lab tests per week
6. About 2-3 calls about doctor appointments or from doctor's offices, nurses, case managers, social workers, or insurance compaly representatives per day
7. Rinse and replace the formula in the feeding bag/pump every 4 hours
8. Replace the feeding bag in the pump daily.
9. Replace the BARD button tube weekly
10. Wound care at least two times per day.
11. Tummy time for both babies for 15 minutes daily
12. Baths for both babies every other day
13. Sterilize bottles and pacifiers daily.
14. Mix 24 cal formula pitcher daily
15. 3 medications daily for my son

In between all that you have to cram in around 14 diaper changes per day and then 7 bottle feeds for my son. Then throw in all their laundry. When they are awake you need to be awake and playing with them and stimulating their development, especially given their prematurity and risk for delays. Then sometimes they cry for gas pains or no reason at all and you need to hold and soothe them. She has a big temper and it can take a half hour to get her calmed down. Oh yeah...and I have to eat and sleep occasionally.

If it was just two healthy twins with the requisite bottles and diapers our original plan would have worked. If our insurance had approved private duty nursing (which babies with less medical need get approved all the time I'm told by our Home Health Nurse), our plan would work. (We are now attempting to get it covered through my husband's insurance or other social service programs, but that will take time and there are wait lists.) If I made a bunch more money than the skilled assistive care she would require per month, it would work. If I didn't have debt to pay off from surrogacy, infertility, and previous medical expenses that insurance didn't cover and a car that needs replacing next year, it would have worked.

But as it is, there is just no way physically or financially I can continue to work full time and give Tara the care she needs and get enough sleep...even with all the help my in-laws have given us and having refinanced our house on Monday for substantial monthly savings. I'm severely sleep deprived even while I've taken two weeks off of work and had our in laws come in and help! My husband's job evaluates him solely on his speed in a call center environment, and him going it alone while I work at night has him so tired that it slows him down at work and can put his job under threat if it continues.

Fortunately I have a retirement account that I can use a portion of to resolve financial concerns we have and to make it possible for me to take some time off to care for her. With careful investment and savings moving forward in our future I can restore and double that account in half the time. In a short time we'll be in a much better situation for me to return to work at either my old job or a new one.  Not only will Tara's medical regimen reduce dramatically and some of her health care issues improve, but we will  then be able to afford skilled care even if we can't get coverage for private duty nursing. In general, a lot of things get easier for babies the older they get, and Tara will outgrow her need for the G-tube and meds and breathing treatments, and eventually her lung disease entirely.

As much as I love my current workplace, I am at peace and much more relaxed since I've made this decision because I know it is the right one for my family. Having a family means making some hard decisions, but somehow it is so much easier to make them than before.

There were times in my darkest days I wondered if maybe the pain of infertilty was too much of my own making. That perhaps finally having children wouldn't actually offer me the glorious bounty of happiness that I had imagined and mourned for daily.

Nope. It is even better than I ever imagined. Even when I haven't showered or shaved and am wearing the same formula covered clothes for a number of days I'm not even sure of, and am so tired the world is blurry around the edges.

Notice that I'm not saying "those eight years of infertility were all worth it." I won't minimize or rewrite the past. The present does not erase it. I won't say "I wouldn't change a thing" because it brought me to where I am now. Call me cynical, but I don't think those eight years are somehow worthwhile now because it makes me appreciate my babies more, I'm a stronger person, it has taught me so many life lessons, or it is the cause to my current effect. Sorry, but I'd still rather not have gone through it and popped out a these kids on my own years ago and my biggest problem be my stretch marks and what to cook for dinner. On the same note despite how extraordinary the entire experience has all been, I'd still rather my babies have been born full term and healthy right here in the Texas and not have had to go fight their way through 3 NICU's in 5 months in 2 countries.

It is really hard, and my life sure seems overwhelming when I look at it as written above.

But after a few days of adjustment to our whirlwind routine, it doesn't really feel that way most of the time.  I may have a bad hour or two or even a bad day, but the thing is....every time I reach down to pick them up they smile at me. They even laugh now too! That moment in time makes me happier than anything else has ever made me. And it happens dozens of times a day. I've come to the realization that it's not about making the bad stuff "worth it." It's just that there is so much amazing, fun, beautiful, happy, and incredibly good stuff.

So if anyone out there reading this is wondering if it will all be "worth it" one day when it is all "over," I can't promise that. The best laid plans... But I can assure you, your child will make you more happy than you ever dared to dream of and it pervades every part of you. It's the biggest and best kind of love there is. The time you spent worrying about this child feeling like it was less yours because of an egg/sperm donor, adoption, being an older child, or growing in someone else's belly will seem wasted. So if you are out there struggling with the decisons surrounding making your dream of parenthood come true and trying to make the optimum choice and control every aspect of the outcome like I did, my only advice is  that in the end the "when" will matter so much more than the "how."

Tara and Mommy in the same dress circa 1977!

Day 52: 2 mos old and US embassy trip

Today was a big day. Not only did they turn 2 mos old, but they made the big trip to the US Embassy to fill out the paperwork to get us home and take their DNA test. I used my specially bought Build a Bear outfits in order to make a big impression on the embassy employees deciding our fate.


Tara hopes that her rousing display of patriotism will sway embassy officials



Vivek pays tribute to a national pastime and his mother's Alma Mater. Fightin' Texas Aggie class of 2034!

They gals witnessing the DNA test were so charmed by their outfits that they wanted to take a photo but were upset because all cell phones and cameras get checked in at the entrance. The twins both cried something awful for the 3 cheek swabs each because he had to roughly scrape the cotton swab on their cheeks. Vinnie didn't cry for his. It was hilarious watching the two ladies try to get  a thumb print of their teeny tiny thumbs on the card, and next to my husband's giant print it was adorable and I wish I had a photo. The paperwork went smoothly except that despite an instruction sheet to the contrary I'd followed to the letter the night before, they made Vinnie fill out a continuation sheet documenting every time he had been out of the country. It demanded specificity but the boy went to India when he was 5 and that was dates of one of many trips he could not perfectly recall. Idiotic bureacracy but you do the dance they tell you to in order to get your babies home. They did open doors and usher us to the front of the lines, and were mostly helpful.

The main snafu of the day was the dope from Karan studios didn't make our passport photos the correct size and I didn't check them myself. Fortunately they had a photographer on site. Unfortunately Vivek decided to break his alert streak and refused to open his eyes, while Miss Tara was muggin for the camera no problem. It took almost 15 minutes and I was sweating and frustrated after flicking his feat and rubbing and singing and whistling and snapping and drumming the table, and the camera man was getting impatient. He cried and flailed but refused to open his eyes until the last minute when instead of antagonizing him I broke and grabbed him off the table and comforted him. Then I put him back on the table and we managed to get a photo of the right size printed after he clicked the shutter during the millisecond he had both eyes open.

They did forget to have Vinnie sign 1 document, but called our cell and were extremely apologetic about it and he can come back by himself while I care for the babies. They said that once the DNA results are in they will process the paperwork and call us to pick it up there between 2-4. We felt safer doing that then paying a courier service to deliver it to where we are staying. They said that they will process it as an expedited emergency passport to speed up the process, and with our DNA test being paid for 72 hour expedited processing too I have high hopes of being out of here in about 3 weeks. I did get my main question answered...I DO NOT have to purchase my plane ticket before going to the FFRO, which concerned me since I didn't want to pay transfer fees if the process took longer than the average 2-3 days. The only thing left to worry about now is whether they try to make us go back to the Anand FFRO, but if the tricks I learned on the net to go to the MHA first and put your local address on everything you can for residency works then we'll be home free.

Yes Vivek...did you have a question? (He was actually sleeping with 1 hand in the air!)


After taking a taxi back Vinnie did two diaper and wardrobe changes, and I taught him how to administer all the supplement drops. It was hilarous and he was missing their mouths and making a mess. I think it took him a half hour for each baby. We got in trouble for not informing the family that we had gotten back and all was well, but we are not used to so many folks worrying about our welfare all the time. We apologized and promised to make sure they knew our whearabouts, even if we are confident we can get around India on our own.

Mom returned and I took a long awaited four hour nap while they took care of the babies. Vinnie had forgotten my advice to change diapers at every feeding if they don't show signs of discomfort beforehand, and so I awoke to some diapers so full that they defied the laws of physics.


My little man filling up diapers to their utmost limits

I think the best moment of the day was when they called the "Grover family" up to the window. It was the first time I had heard someone say that, and it made me feel super warm and squishy inside. Then she had us take an oath of parentage, and it was a quick official moment but felt good to say as we stared at passport photos of our children and vowed that we were indeed their parents.

Day 35: A day of firsts

Today was fabulous!  I got my lazy self up early enough for bath time, and Mom got to see the sponge bath fun for the first time. She was thrilled with how alert Tara was while she held her afterwards. You can see in the below picture just how chubby she is getting now!

I got her entire bath on video. I did not get his on video because I WAS GIVING IT!!! The nurse asked me if I wanted to do the sponge bath and I jumped at the chance. I thought I did a good job, but the nurse micromanaged a bit about what to wash first. I just loved having my hands all over him for the first time and getting to see my little monkey in all his glory. So adorable!

I also got the cutest video yet!!! Tara sucking her thumb. She has come close, but until now this is the first anyone has seen her actually make contact and suck on it as far as I know. SOOOOO CUTE!!!!

After I took a nap to ease my crankiness for getting up so early, I did some laundry. Mom remembers doing her laundry by hand as a young girl in  India and DOES NOT miss it. She hung it up and showed me how she used to hold one end of the saree and flap it around to dry it and keep it from shrinking. After laundry Mom and I went shopping for some tops. She and I brought precious few clothes aside from my pile of sarees. We had a fun time shopping and she is one tough haggler, and now we have a few more clothing options for daily wear. I went to the ATM while Mom looked into getting some jewelry repaired, and then we made another trip to the NICU.  Mom did her best bottlefeed yet with a little coaching from me, and got Vivek to finish a bottle. I had a challenging feed for Tara since I was able to figure out her nose was a little clogged, but they used some nose drops and she was much better after that.



Close up of Mom burping Vivek




Mom talking to Vivek





















On a whim I asked if I could hold both babies at once, which I've been dreaming of for a while figuratively and literally. Sure enough they let me, and though it was only for a few moments before weigh in time it was marvelous and brought tears to my eyes. Mom got a few shaky pics, so I'll have to get her using my other camera more in the future. Tomorrow I'll see if they let me put them side by side in the isolette for pics!

 


















The night ended well with a long video chat with my husband and mother, then one with my father-in-law. Vinnie is feeling very good without painkillers, and plans on going to work tomorrow. He is not resting as much as he should so I told my mother to crack the whip. He told me his recovery is about a week or two and he shouldn't lift anything over 10lbs. I busted him lifting up our dog for the camera so I could see him! I think we will plan on him coming straight to Delhi around the same time we arrive there to buy him more recovery time. Mom and I can handle getting the babies to Delhi now that Manu and family has solved our luggage dilemma. He will bring the Earth's Best formula for us as well as the proof of residency documents and we should be good to go!

Hopeflully tonight I won't have more nightmares. Last night I dreamed I again misplaced my babies. I was at work taking a class, and let someone hold a baby. They passed it around until no one know who had it last. I was also stressed because I was trying to hold both at once and found it impossible, and had no stroller. I realized how I couldn't get anywhere without one and needed to leave them unattended to get one.  It was a problem I just couldn't seem to solve in the dream.  Yes....I have wierd dreams.

Day 34: Fit to be tied

 



















So as you can see, she has once again caught up and they are both 3lbs 11 oz. I'm betting by Friday they finally reach the 4 lb landmark, which will be about double Tara's size from when she was born!

News from the USA is that my husband is fine and will be discharged today around 10am. Thank goodness! He apparently felt well enough to post on my Facebook page that he is alright and appreciates everyone's concern. I miss him so much anyway, but now I'm missing him so much my heart's about to explode.

I solved a few problems to either buy time until Vinnie gets here or avoid him coming. The first is we made some corrections to the contract so that Vinnie will not need to come to Anand to re-sign it. The second is that Dr. Hitesh said it isn't essential that Vinnie come at all to the Delhi embassy from what he knows, but I'm waiting on an embassy email to confirm that. The last problem was getting more formula, because Vinnie was going to bring 6 extra cans of Similac Neosure. I asked if Hitesh's friend Uday still had the cans of formula my friend Michelle left, but he had already given them away to another family like mine. However I asked Dr. Kothiala and she said that by the time I'll be running out of preemie formula that they will need to switch to regular fomula anyway. She assured me the Indian fomula Farex is good, so for maybe two weeks we'll have to use it if Vinnie can't come, which is no big deal. If he does come I'll have him bring Earth's Best formula, which is my formula of choice anyway.

Mom and I met with Dr. Kothiala today and discussed discharge. She didn't want to say much until she saw the results of their blood test and saw how their hemoglobin levels were. I did not get to hear the results today, but will ask tomorrow. She did say the both of us have to be comfortable with bottle feeding, so while I am (with a monitor attached for right now), Mom still has a ways to go in getting confident and having Vivek finish a bottle. She suggested I feed Tara exclusively since she is more difficult. I've gotten pretty good so that is no problem. She assured us that in two weeks we will see a big difference in their sucking/swalllowing/breathing coordination...which was good to hear. She said 1-2 weeks until discharge, we'll have to wait and see. I'm having a harder time leaving them and missing them more. It seems like all I can think about is how much I want to bring them home as time goes on. She did not suggest traveling before 2 weeks.

I finally told Master Vik about the terrible news of his Daddy's hospitalization.

Vivek was initially distressed, but I patted his belly and calmed him down. He said he looks forward to meeting his Daddy and promises not to pee or urp on him for at least one day.

Anand NICU Veteran's Advice

Last year during our first attempt, and wonderful couple named Jeff and Michelle befriended us. They were so helpful and reassuring, and gave us some of their leftover food in addition to great advice and reassurance before they left. I was pretty nervous about the egg extraction, but seeing her quick recovery helped me calm down. They wound up being successful on that first try and they had a daughter, who was born at 30 weeks. She found me on Facebook, and upon hearing about our early arrivals she sent me a huge email that eased my mind greatly and prepared me for the NICU in Anand. I have to share the highlights with the blogosphere in the hopes it helps someone else as well to know what to expect.

"We were there for 8 or 9 weeks, I can't remember now but it felt like forever.  Hopefully your babies have gone to Dr. Anita's hospital.  Hers is the best from what we heard.  Dr. Anita is really good, she seemed to be the best Dr over there and her hospital is where you want preemies to go because she has the most experience.  Her hospital is real close to the Rama.  You can go see your babies at any time and we usually went over there about 3 times a day."

"The NICU is small and not the cleanest and I don't think it had air conditioning, they usually had fans on when we were there.  They will make you wash your hands and then use this blue sterile cleansing stuff and then put on some blue or green scrubs to see the babies.  The nurses will fuss at you if your hair is down, so make sure you pin it up or they give you grief."

"When your babies get a couple weeks old, tell Dr. Anita that you want to do 'Kangaroo Care' and the nurses will put the baby on your chest which is really good for bonding and it helps your baby hear your heartbeat and is really good for the babies.  They are funny about men being in the NICU and they used to tell my husband that he had to go out in the hallway when the doctors came in to check on the babies....it's almost like they're back in the 1920's or something."

"There are 2 nurses that speak English....Sandia and Suvarna.  Suvarna may still be only working part time but Sandia is full time.  They can explain everything to you each day but most of the other nurses don't speak English.  Dr. Anita speaks great English but there are 2 other Doctors and their English is very limited. Sandia was our favorite....she's a little nurse...really tiny.  She lives right across from the Rama, so if you ever need her, she can come over to the Rama and help you out.  She checked on our baby every day once we got her out of the NICU. "

"We would go see Dr. Anita everyday in her office to get updates on our daughter.  The best time to meet her was at 7 pm because most of the crowd in the waiting room is gone then.  If you go see her around 11 am, there's a massive crowd in the waiting room.  Ask her tons of questions."

"I think my husband told me that it ended up costing us about $50/day for our daughter to be in the NICU...  If your babies go to Dr. Burien's hospital, I've heard that he charges twice what Dr. Anita charges.  Also...Dr. Burien was Dr. Anita's student.  The hospital would ask for a deposit of about 20,000 rupees every couple of weeks...I think that was $400."

"If your surrogate is pumping milk for you, Hitesh told us that our surrogate would do it for a month (since our daughter was born so early) and that we'd just have to pay for the milk.  Well, we later found out that you have to pay for the surrogate's room at Dr. Anita's hospital and that was pretty expensive.  We had to pay $600 for the surrogate to stay at the hospital for a month plus I think it was $100 for the breast milk.  We just weren't expecting the room that our surrogate stayed in to cost so much....Also, the surrogate will tell you that she wants extra food while she's there pumping milk.  Ours wanted mangos and apples and some other fruit (can't remember) and walnuts.  My husband had to look all over to find the apples since they're shipped in by truck so that was a pain.  Some of the other Indian couples there told me that we 'had' to give our surrogate extra money each day and that we should give her at least $20 a week.  This is not true, so don't believe anyone if they tell you this.  Dr. Anita told us that certain fruit is good for milk production so we just got the fruit that she told us to get.  We weren't expecting to have to go around and buy food....we wanted to concentrate on our baby....so it was a pain to find this out when we got over there.  If you have any problems with your surrogate giving milk or refusing to....then tell Hitesh and he'll get it taken care of."

"Also, the nurses will expect a "tip" when you leave the hospital to come home."

"Uday is a huge help with getting around.  If you have him pick you up from the hospital, ask him to bring you a sterilizer so that you won't have to buy one.  He can also bring you a baby bed and a mosquito net, so ask him for one so you don't have to buy one.  Uday also can do all the running around for the police report info."

"You will see LOTS of nannies in the Rama and they'll be watching you like hawks.  They all will want you to hire them.  From what we heard, Dieksha is the best.  She has experience with preemies and she speaks English.  Her sister is Gungha and she is much younger and doesn't really speak English but she's pretty good with preemies too.  If you guys have to get a nanny, I'd probably try to get Dieksha because everyone seems to think she's the best.  We didn't get a nanny because as soon as we got our daughter out of the NICU, we immediately flew to Mumbai and then back and were gone real fast."

"Uday made everything happen for us real quick.  We didn't bring much cash with us for the trip over but my husband went to the ATM at least once a day and got cash out so that we'd have enough to pay everyone. There is an ATM right under the Rama on the first floor and it let us take out $200 a day, so we did that all the time."   

"If you have a pediatrician picked out in Texas or a neonatologist in Texas, keep their email or phone # handy since you'll probably want to ask them questions.  If you know anyone who is a Doctor in the states....keep their # handy.  We had trouble getting US doctors to talk to us in India because they said it was 'too much of a liability' for them to give us advice while we were in India....so you may want to talk to a US doctor now before you leave and see what advice they can give you."

Thank you so much to Michelle for all her helpful advice and information!

Crash Course in NICU

So a lot has happened. Most significantly, I went down to Austin and visited my nieces for the first time. They are adorable!!!  I can't say just how incredibly helpful it was to me personally for so many reasons. There were several things it did for me aside from just the pure joy of being around two beautiful little babies and allowing my mother another day with her grandchildren:

1. I relaxed significantly with every passing hour. Seeing twins that are perfectly healthy and normal that were born at 28 weeks is very, very reassuring.

2. Baby care basics. I've been reading many books, a lot of the same ones my brother and sister in law did. But some of the concepts sound so much more complicated when you read them. However applying them seems much simpler. I relaxed about how to do parent directed "scheduled" feedings and logging everything, and getting them on the same schedule is not as complex as I thought. I was able to change diapers for really the first time, interpret their cues and crying without panicking, and for several periods of almost an hour handle two babies at once. Feeding time is more difficult though, but one person alone with two babies can be done. It's hard, but it is possible.

3. My breast pump. There is no goal of pressure/level to achieve. Do what works, and don't turn up the dial so high it hurts.

4. House setup. I realized my Eddie Bauer bassinet is just taking up space and will be relatively useless. I have a one story house and enough contraptions to hold babies in every room that this item that will hold two babies for a month or two tops is worthless. Out to the curb it went to someone who I'm sure was thrilled to have it. It was reassuring to see that though their house is much bigger and nicer, my setup will work just fine and is similar enough. I decided to do a system like they have on my kitchen counter tops with several plastic tubs to hold bottles and nipples and pacifiers in various stages of sterilization.

5. NICU advice. Hours and hours of it. They are sleep deprived parents of twins yet they stayed up until past 1am intensively coaching me on everything any of us could think of to prepare me for what to expect. This is after answering my almose ceaseless Q&A all day long! There is simply too much they told me to list here, but hopefully over the course of the blog I'll include most of it. Most of it was when they will be able to do what, such as kangaroo care or bottle feeding. They helped me understand that scary things will happen, but that eventually my baby stopping breathing or heart slowing down will be normal to me and I'll slap this tiny thing on the back rather hard to get it going again like it is no big deal. One step forward, two steps back will be the norm every time they try to wean them off oxygen or push them forward a stage. My existence will be a marathon of waiting and watching the heart rate, respiration rate, oxygen saturation, and blood pressure monitors. The pattern of these 4 numbers will be what my new world will revolve around. The babies will tell us when they are ready to do what. I figured that out fast enough to tell my father in law to back of off booking any plane tickets aside a one way ticket to India for me. A round trip ticket is just plain silly at this point.

6. Equipment. I was about to pack a half a suitcase with stuff I didn't need. The 4 oz Playtex drop ins....fuggedaboutit! The two bags of tiny slender 60ml mini-bottles they gave me will be plenty until we get them home and can use the larger ones. They gave me bags of rings and rubber nipples that were pre-sterilized tear-open bags. I got the same tear-open pacifiers and rubber nasal aspirators, as well as some medicine syringes and thermometers and hand and nail sterile sponge washers.  I likely won't need to bring newborn size clothes, so I bought up a bunch of preemie clothes instead. If they get bigger I'll have my mother bring in reinforcments the last 2 weeks. I even took advice from my hairdresser and went to the Build A Bear and bought doll clothes that I'm told will fit perfectly. 7 onesies per baby per week is plenty, by the way. Okay, okay....so I got more than that. Sue me. The clothes are friggin adorable!

7. Be grateful. Be really fucking grateful. 28 weeks and a 2 lb girl and almost 2 1/2lb boy is pretty damn good despite the risks and expenses involved.  My brother told me a story about a really bad day he had where he thought he was taking one baby girl home the next day only to have an episode while sitting in his lap that made sure she would spend a lot longer in NICU. In the elevator ride home he bumped into two people who each had twins in the NICU, but only one of each set had survived. The two parents were still grateful. So keep it in perspective and don't feel sorry for yourself. I've waited 8 long years and gone through so much pain for this, that I can't let myself forget that for a moment.

8. It's not about you. It's about them. You are not working hard. The nurses aren't the ones working so hard. Your little babies are the ones fighting hard to survive. They should still be in the womb, and our artificial one just isn't up to par. So remember whatever you are going through, they are going through so much more. They simply need a warm dark place to rest and grow with as little disruption as possible until they reach full term. So your need to hold them and touch them and see them without wires is irrelevant. For this reason initially a diaper change will be lightening fast to avoid any extra stimulation or heat loss.

9. You will look at parents of singletons born full term and laugh at them when they talk about how hard it is. You will be an old hand by the time your babies are out of NICU, and what overwhelms them will seem like nothing to you.

10. Not much will be different as far as NICU care. In the 1970's my babies would have roughly a 50/50 chance of survival. Now it is above 90%. But the thought lingers that these studies are based in U.S. based NICU's. What about India? We discussed that really the same things are done and are relatively simple to do. The same treatment protocols and medications. The level of hygeine and the newness of the equipment may be what differs the most. It is my hope that the NICU will be clean enough, and the appearance of less hygeine will relate more to how things look "old" but my hope is that I will find it is kept perfectly clean. We'll see. A tight level of control over sterilization and visitors and hand washing by the nurses may be the deciding factor. As far as equipment goes, older telemetry equipment make only differ by taking the same measurements every 15 seconds as opposed to every 5 seconds. We'll see what happens...

But for now we call Dr. Anita almost every night. Well every night that our washing machine drain hose doens't disconnect and spill 10 gallons of water all over our floor that is. Sigh. The conversations are always short. They are doing well. They are stable. They are being given surfactant therapy for their lungs (standard). Heart rates around 150 (normal).  She can't remember all the vitals and I'm vaguely familiar with the ranges but I should probably just wait until I get there to start getting these kinds of details.

By the miracle of the internet and thanks to this blog and the online forum for Dr. Patel's patients, I will not be alone. I have two new friends who will be in Anand with me. The first is a gal who talked to me about going to Anand, and is there now at Madhuban resort doing an IVF attempt. The second is someone I've been corresponding with for months beforehand and is also expecting twins. We were thinking we would miss each other, but now she will be there a few days before me. Since her twins will likely need a short NICU stay, I've asked and am crossing my fingers and praying she is able to send me pictures when she arrives on the 3rd. I won't get there until the 8th so here is hoping!

Until then I have so much on my to do list and have ran so many errands it is ridiculous! But my best friend is coming to town to throw the shower and will be a day early and can help. I'm also paying someone to come in and help clean, which will be well worth it. Hopefully I'll remember to post some pics of my finished Shangrila in my rush to leave!

Happy Birthday! I'm a Mommy!

So I guess I'll do this chronologically:

Yesterday I go on the biggest shopping blitz I've ever been on, and bought everything I knew we had to have for our babies. It calms me down significantly, and I got a good start on what we'll need to pack. Obscene amounts of diapers and wipes, and as of this morning our pediatrician hooked me up with two cases of Preemie formula for free by sweettalking the Enfamil and Similac sales reps!!!  I also had a mom of triplets from my Mothers of Multiples Club hooked me up with 30 coupons for formula. This way every day I can make two trips to two stores since there is one coupon per purchase and I'll save tons of money buying our formula gradually with coupons!

Over the course of the day the level headed and reasonable folks in my life calm me down and talk me into not running off to India as soon as I can book a ticket.

The emotional part of me wants to rip their heads off at even the thought of keeping me away from my babies for one instant. But my brain knows that waiting until the babies stabilize and until we are more prepared is the smart and rational thing to do. Damn. But as my brother pointed out, every mistake I make now affects two people.

The facts are that at 28 weeks I can't touch or hold them, and there is nothing that I can do for them that Dr. Anita Kothalia's NICU is not already doing for them. What I can do is make sure I have everything they need to bring with me, and that our home is ready for when they come back to the U.S. I can force myself to go back to work for one week to save up my paid leave time for when I can actually do something. Airfare before August 6th is nearly double the price, and with NICU fees not covered by insurance possibly we are on a tight budget. And as a bonus, I can also have my baby shower! 

The hubby will not travel with me. This journey will have to be alone for the first part, unfortunately. We both know I'm strong enough to handle it. As much as I would like to be surrounded by family, you won't hear me crying about anything not happening like I wanted it to. I have two babies that are alive and should be just fine. NOTHING else matters. I'm strongly considering slapping icing on my baby shower cake I was making and putting a picture of the frosted fantasy piece it would have been next to it. I have better ways to spend my time right now.

The fact is that my husband only has 1 month of paid leave, and he NEEDS to be there for the embassy appointment once they are released from NICU. So he may join me a month later...about a week or two from their NICU release date. He couldn't travel with me anyway due to a lack of foresight with his VISA, so he will reapply for another in my absence and do some final preparations like installing the car seats and such. 

So last night after making this decision we call Dr. Patel. It takes a few tries, but when we get her on the line for a very brief conversation she answers my 4 questions:

1. Is it a complete rupture or slow leak, and how much time does that give us? Almost complete rupture, and will deliver Sunday or Monday. She will check up on her today, but she was having some pain. (That tells me she is probably in labor which means delivery will be sooner)

2. Have they been given steroids and antibiotics already to prepare for birth? Yes. (Big duh because this is standard practice, but I needed to hear it to ease my mind. Thank you Dr. Patel for not sounding annoyed at my question.)

3. Can you make sure that my babies have breast milk? We will pay whatever we need to. Yes.

4. Is there anything else we need to know. Not really.

The conversation was over quickly after that.

This morning I wake up to an email that says:

Dear Emily,

Hello,

Congratulations!!

Manju delivered a baby Boy and a Baby Girl. Normal delivey.  Both Manju and babies are fine. Babies with Neonatal Unit. Neonatologist Dr. Anita  cell no +91 982240 27897
Dr. Anita email a_kothiala@yahoo.co.in

Picture attached

My feelings upon reading the email were shock and joy and amazement. Then more shock. I actually missed that there were pictures at first. I have a boy. I have a girl. A son and a daughter. One of each. Everything I ever dreamed of. Tara Shakti and Vivek Arjun! I am so full of happiness, but definitely still in a state of shock. I guess you always picture the moment going differently when you find out this information, but I am about living in the moment and enjoying what it is rather than putting conventional expectations on such an extreme situation.

When I go to wake my very groggy husband, he is so sleepy he has a sense of deja vu that I woke him up last night and already told him they were born. That never happened. I help him wake up and then blurt out he has a son and daughter. He looks overwhelmed and doesn't say much. I show him pictures, and then have to leave to get to my Dr. appt to get my travel immunizations.  He had some time to absorb before he called his parents. I called my parents on the way to the Dr appt.

As far as the pictures go, I stare at them endlessly. I just can't get over those huge mouths and perfect, perfect lips! My children appear to be in ziploc baggies, which initially alarms me. I just found out from my sister in law that this is normal and keeps them warm and helps prevent their nervous systems from reaction to touching.

They are quite messy and a little smushed from delivery, but I can see through all of that and they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen!

So the plan for today is to finish more home preparations, and tomorrow my mother and I are taking my brother up on his offer to return to Austin and meet my nieces. My mother will get more time with her grandchildren, and I will get books and invaluable advice on the NICU.

Monday through Sunday I will go back to work. Blah. But in my off time I will frantically finish preparations! The nursery is only half painted, and I only have boy clothes and two girl outfits!

In the meantime I've made dozens of phone calls and sent dozens of emails, posted pics and the announcement on Facebook, and coordinated the news with my workplace.Announcements and pics are sent out on my baby shower Evite too! I emailed the babies names to Dr. Patel and asked for birth weights, and to please start the birth certificate process.

I plan as much as possible to continue this blog and paint a picture for the many who will be making journeys to the NICU long after I am gone. I sure wish I knew what to expect, but at least maybe I can help others.

Leaking Liquor

I wake up this morning to this email.

Dear Emily,

Manju have leaking per vaginal today. Liquor from one baby is drain out. We will have to deliver her soon. Scan report attached.

I don't yet know if soon is the 24-48 hrs from a complete sac rupture, or a slow leak that we can pump in steroids and postpone a week.  But apparently one of my babies has a drinking problem and is already on the hard stuff.

I would be freaking out 10 times more than I already am if my brother and sister in law had not given birth to twins at the exact same time frame. I have some clue what to expect thanks to her blog.

I called my Mom to turn around and come back from Austin, where she arrived last night to visit my brother's twins. I was watching my stepdad for her, who has late stage Alzheimer's. My good friend who is helping throw my now postponed baby shower came over to watch him so I could go buy out the baby store.

I came up with a list of everything I need to get and do to go to India, and it is daunting but with very little sleep it is doable. My father has helped with the sudden expenses since this will be far more than we planned for.

I literally bought EVERY preemie diaper they had. 33 cases. I have to figure out formula, but our pediatrician will call us in the morning. As for the rest, hopefully all my lists and preparation will help me through it. So much to do, but at 27 1/2 weeks hopefully they will be alive and healthy and nothing else matters. 

Twin Tea Time

I shouldn't complain. I should be happy. I should be in an ever upswinging arc of excitement. But the truth is I'm exhausted from working so much and waiting so long. I'm impatient, I know. It is so hard and painful to be infertile and childless. Though not anwhere close by any stretch of the imagination, it is also hard to wait and be so far away from your babies too. It just feels like these babies exist only in my imagination (at least on this side of the planet), and I keep wanting something to reassure me this is really happening. Maybe the baby shower will snap me out of it in early August. If that doesn't hopefully when I begin pumping to try to start up my milk supply August 15th then I'll have my head back in the game. Pumping 8 times a day will make it very real, very fast I would imagine. 

 The "schedule" Dr. Patel has emailed to other client's as well as what other client's have told me say that week 23-24 you get another report. Today is the last day of week 24. I wonder if since we got an unscheduled report 4 weeks ago, does that mean we don't get one now? The report just says they are doing fine when we get it along with a bunch of medical info that is meaningless to me even though I can decipher the report down to the fine details.  And no news is good news. I know this. As soon as I get a report I'll just want another one anyway. So how come everytime someone asks me how the babies are doing and I have nothing to report other than my assumption that all is well because I haven't heard anything, I feel this urge to stifle back a tear from the corner of my eye. I guess all it is is that I just miss the two babies I've never met. I hope to have dinner next week with a local gal who had a baby by Dr. Patel, and maybe she can tell me if it was just as hard waiting for her as it is for me...because I don't know anyone who can relate to exactly what I'm going through.

So today in the hope to brighten my mood I went to the Newcomers Tea to welcome the newest members of the Mother's of Multiples Club. It was very nice, and I took notes on how to make my home family friendly but not look like a daycare center. It was babies, babies everywhere. I'm trying to take the advice to enjoy it while I can, but I'm really just jealous. Let's go already! Over eight years without children, so let's get this show on the road. They ask if I'm ready. I am, but of course I'm not really. There is a lot left to do on the house. Besides, however many ways you may feel ready, there have to be a hundred ways you don't know what to expect in how it will change your life. I know that. Have I mentioned I'm impatient?

At the tea party there was an entire room to the right of the door that became a parking lot for all the double strollers, but they spilled out into the hallway and living area too. I took a picture because it got me tickled!

IT'S TWINS!!!

Twins. I remember playing with two matching Skipper Barbie dolls as a kid at my grandparent's vacation home in Ruidoso, New Mexico. I pretended they were twins, and gave them horrible rhyming names and put them in cute little matching outfits. I do actually remember thinking at the time I could never be so lucky to have twins.

I still felt that way decades later. So I cannot describe my suprise when we find out we are indeed the lucky ones. Twins. Twiiiins. TWINS!!! It is a dream come true, even though I know it is riskier and that scares me a little.

How was I going to tell Vinnie? I can't wait until he gets home that night to tell him, but I have to so I can see the look on his face. My only regret is that I didn't videotape it. I call my mother and tell her "I have bad news." She paused with tension. She had a crib that matched ours, and offered to give it to us if it was twins. "You'll have to get another crib." I told her. She screamed in a voice so high pitched I'm sure the dolphins along the Gulf Coast heard. We hatched a great plan for me to bring her crib over and assemble it to surprise Vinnie with the news.  I assemble it and go to work, and even though I know Vinnie gets home before me he never goes into the nursery room, which the door has been mostly closed for the seven years we have owned this house.

I come home and after setting my purse down I tell Vinnie that I have something to show him that I was working on earlier. He says okay and I lead him into the nursery.   He sees the two cribs.

"There's two of them." he comments casually.

"Yes. There's two of them." I reply, waiting for him to get it.  He doesn't. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.

"Where did you get the other one?" he asks, still oblivious. He told me later he thought we might be trading the nicer one for the older one maybe.

"My Mom gave it to us." I answer simply.

"Oh. That was nice of her." he comments. The possibility had still not even dawned on him. I decide to help slide his cheese onto the cracker for him.

"We're going to need both of them." At this point he has turned to look at me.

My husband is a very taciturn man. His face is often expressionless. I've never his face as full of expression as when the light bulb finally goes off.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!" he exclaims. He says some other stuff that doesn't make up full sentences after that. Then after a minute he says "I need to sit down." and he plops down in the middle of the floor.

It was awesome. Life continues and we get scans occasionally. Some of the more decipherable photos are below.

7 week scan. Little blobbies.

12 weeks.Definitely two faces.

14 weeks. Easy to make out what these are. Some folks tell me one is a girl, but who the heck knows!?

 








16 weeks. Two healthy babies. Not sure what's what in this one but I'm pretty sure it shows both of our little peanuts.



So below is the schedule of which we can expect updates and scans and general progress reports. So far we got 5 scans and we are going into week 21. It has been over 4 weeks without a report. I try to tell myself no news is good news but I'm going a little crazy nonetheless. I go from being incredibly happy to distressing myself with imaginings....which is hard to help after all these years. But so far all reports show our babies both as healthy as can be!

·         Every 20 days routine check up

·         1^st Sonogram at 7 wks pregnancy

·         At 10 weeks routine check up

·         If triplest or quadruplet pregnancy we do fetal reduction at 10 – 11 weeks to twins
·         At 11- 12 weeks we do her scan by fetal medicine specialist and double marker test for down syndrome
·         If twin pregnancy we do cervical circlage after 14 – 16 weeks scan (Sew cervix shut to prevent pressure from rupturing it too soon)
·         At 16 weeks we do her triple marker test: Blood test – HB, TC, DC, Platelet count, Random blood sugar, HIV, HbSAg, HCV, VDRL, SGPT, S.Bilirubin, S.Creatinine, Urine routine micro
·         At 20 – 22 week we do her fetal echo by fetal medicine specialist
·         At 28 – 30 weeks we do her scan and blood test – HB, TC, DC, Platelet count, GTT or PP2BS, HIV, HbSAg, HCV, VDRL, SGPT, S.Bilirubin, S.Creatinine, Urine routine micro
·         Admitted to clinic at 30 weeks if she is carrying twins
·         In twin pregnancy we do extra scan at 32 weeks pregnancy (color Doppler)
·         At 34 – 36 weeks we do her color Doppler scan and blood test - HB, TC, DC, Platelet count, Random blood sugar, HIV, HbSAg, HCV, VDRL, SGPT, S.Bilirubin, S.Creatinine, Urine routine micro
·         The surrogate gets admitted in the clinic at 35 weeks if she is carrying single baby

So it begins...growing up Grover!

So many a person has told me I should write a blog chronicling the start of our family...finally after 8 years of failed attempts! Now that I've learned what a blog is and seen a few, I'm in agreement that before I forget everything this is a great way to record the memories that we are making while we wait for our twins to arrive, and record and share our lives after they are born. Thanks to being blessed by a surrogate in India and the help of Dr. Patel in Anand we are finally going to be parents! I'll begin to tell our tale by going back in time a bit, but first I have to figure out how to do this whole blog thingamabob.