Single parenting sucks

Vinnie: "Could you drop by in the morning on your way home to make sure I wake up for my doctor's appointment so I don't miss it?"

Me: "Sure. But I may punch you in the face just to make myself feel better."

Vinnie: "Okay."

I've tried to muster up more empathy that my never-sick husband has a raging case of what sounds like strep throat and his voice is so shredded he is barely intelligible. Instead I am angry at him for getting sick during such a critical week. I don't know how single parents do it. And single parent's of twins? Dear God...

To add to matters we have the following complications:

1. My son is showing the signs of developing colic right on the 3-6 week post due date timeline. It should be a fun next 2 1/2 months until it naturally abates. I try to take it in stride but there is only so much you can do for the little man and it just sucks.

2. I can take more time off when Tara is discharged for her care and to get them synced back up before returning to work. But there is no way in hell I can do it right before and on Thanksgiving when I work at 911 where we are staffed 24-7 and time off for the holidays during November and December is nothing short of sacred. I would be universally loathed and ostracized at my workplace for the rest of my employment there. If she gets discharged this week I have to find a way to work through Thursday night, even if my husband is still not safe enough past his illness to be around the babies.

3. Utilizing my parents and his parents so much to help us overnight while Vinnie is sick I'm sure is exhausting them, and could cut into prep time for Thanksgiving cooking. Pizza anyone?

4. I am getting mandated to work an extra 4 hours on Thanksgiving day from 7pm to 11pm on top of my regular 8 that night. Oh yeah, and if all goes well tomorrow from the swallow study she could be discharged on Wednesday or Thursday and I'll be awake probably all day at the hospital doing paperwork. If we weren't planning on our Thanksgiving celebration on Friday afternoon anyway I'm pretty sure I would go into thermonuclear meltdown. I would hire some help temporarily but something tells me that is beyond a longshot given the holidays.

5. I haven't been able to see her yesterday and probably not today either. The longer I go without seeing her the more crazy emotional I become. I'm like a walking pressure cooker and seeing her is the only thing that eases the pressure and makes me able to keep going. I picture my husband sleeping soundly through the night with an occasional cough and I want to go over there and smother him with a pillow.

6. I found out my workplace is changing my days off with little warning due to the fact that they put too many people off on the same days and are only just now realizing it since I've come back to work. Stupendous. I'm so close to the top of the seniority list I could lick it, but I'm still going up against two folks just past me who want the same days off.

It seems like every time I tell myself "If I can just get through this week...." that something else piles on top. I'm trying to just focus on what is important...that my daughter is alive and okay and coming home soon even if the week surrounding it is craptastic.

Day 42: Discharge day!!!

This day has been absolutely overwhelming!  I cannot believe they are actually at the hotel and mine to take care of. I'm feeling outnumbered even though at the moment there are 3 of us (including the professional nanny) and two of them. My mind has been racing all day trying to stay on top of what to do next. I'm sure if I was at home with all my stuff and perfect setup and devices and gadgets and phone and resources and nurse line AND HUSBAND I would be much more relaxed.

The hotel staff was nice enough to have four dudes help carry our stuff to our new room this morning so I got it set up to my liking. It isn't home, but it will do for 6 days.

I'd seen others discharged so I knew it would take a while. First you talk with Dr. Kothiala and get basic discharge instructions, and since I have been around here for a while they mostly consisted of what meds and supplements to administer and when. She also wrote me a prescription to fill in case I needed it for a few things. Figuring out when to give what dosages of the calcium, iron, folic acid, multivitamin, and domperidone drops took some doing but I wrote it on some hotel stationary and coordinated it with certain feedings to make it part of the routine. We have to go to the retinal surgeon for follow up tomorrow and I'll fill those prescriptions. Thursday we have to pack for the friend of Vinnie's cousin Manu who is picking up less essential luggage and shipping it to Delhi for us so we can fly light. Then back to Dr. Kothiala on Friday for follow up and to get two letters for permission to fly in case Tara is under 2kgs and a letter to their new pediatrician/neonatologist in Delhi "introducing" them as well as copies of all her medical records for the both of them.

After seeing the doctor, I had to go upstairs and pay surprise medication fees, then some more lab fees downstairs. I ran to the hotel with all their stuff and supplies and the two wooden risers they loaned us so that they can sleep with their heads elevated. We'll return the latter before we leave. Then back to the NICU after I secured a tuk-tuk to take us for the very short drive to Rama. Then we went in to see Dr. Kothiala for one last checkup before we left. She was tickled at the lovely "graduation" outfits I had for both of them. I bought them special at a store that sells doll clothes! She thought it was so cute she took a picture.

Then the short walk to the tuk-tuk with precious cargo. Mom had us stop at the Ganesh mandir in front of Rama just outside the elevator and offer blessings before we walked in.

Once inside the room I laid them down and tried to warm them up because I can't seem to figure out how to make the AC not blow so darn cold. Priyanka figured it out later for me. I changed them out of their NICU outfits into a little monkey outfit to make Mom happy and a pink ensemble for the little lady. They looked adorable and I was thrilled to have them out of their boring Indian tie on outfits they have worn every day up until now.  I promised Vivek to never dress him in pink again. I didn't do a very good job dressing them but I know it will get easier. I hate to admit my hands were shaking a bit because all the nerves were settling in. The silence of no beeping is shocking to the system. They seem to have adjusted better than me.

My little monkey man



Tara loves her new girly clothes




Tara trying to leave and go back to NICU

So none of my nightmares came true where I couldn't make a bottle. We got them right back on the NICU feeding schedule, and until they are bigger we'll stick with 2 hr feedings. I'm so glad my brother gave me those small bottles because I could bring so many that I don't spend half my day washing and sterilizing. I have changed Mr. Vivek two times already today, once because I didn't catch his pee mid diaper change...again. The other one was due to a diaper leak.

The silence between feedings is deafening. I keep thinking I should be doing something. I can't fathom sleeping but I know at some point I'll have to. So far the apnea alarms work great, and I've had a few false alarms but learned how to attach them to the diaper better. I know it is the only way I'll be able to sleep.

So many thoughts race through my head and my confidence is like a roller coaster. But I look at them and bond in a way I haven't been able to before. They are really mine. I keep repeating that but it still seems so impossible that the dream is alive and happening right now.

It is now 11pm and I'm going to try to sleep. Tara just had the oddest feed I've seen so far, and just about spit all the milk across the room. I've never seen her refuse to suck like that. She was NOT having it but we managed to get some down her. I've also never realized up until now how much these little ones toot. It turns out with all the beeping monitors and alarms in the NICU I couldn't hear it before. So I'll sleep now. In theory...

Day 40: 2 days and counting

The excitement is building! Mom had a long morning with the babies while I took care of some things at the hotel and video chatted with my husband. He says he feels 80% recovered, so by his flight on the 24th he should be feeling 100% at this rate.  I'm excited to get flight details confirmed for him, and my father-in-law secured them through his travel agent friend and got us an amazing price!! He'll be in India in Delhi at 12:35am on the 26th. It will be early in the morning, but something tells me I'll be the one pulling night shift with the babies anyway.

We have initially heard that our nanny's name is Priyanka, but then heard that Petra got her and we are getting Ganga instead. Either way she should indeed speak Hindi as requested so at least Mom can communicate with her. If all goes well she will show up tomorrow at 11:00 for bottle feeding practice and discharge instructions. She will work an 8pm-8am shift every night for us starting on discharge day so Mom and I have at least some chance at sleeping.

The Snuzas were clipped onto their diapers and worked perfectly, though I had to go home and google how to shut them off during diaper changes. I have so much more peace of mind with them attached. They met with Dr. Kothiala's approval so I removed them for the time being to save battery power. She asked for the 2nd manual copy we had for her to keep so that she can recommend it to other patients, and took notes on where to purchase and the cost. Glad to know our decision to use them may help other families with higher risk preemies.

Mom and I went to aarti (prayer service) tonight at the temple, and prayed that all goes well with discharge and at home, and that Vinnie travels safely and we are able to go home promptly.  It was a nice temple, but as usual it is not allowed to take pics.  Speaking of pics, I didn't take any of the babies today. I'm a bad Mommy today.  They are growing so fast. He is 1900 grams today and she is 1760, or 4lbs 3oz and 3lbs 14oz. Now when I do kangaroo care their little legs pass my waist. By comparison with most babies they are still tiny, but to me they are huge now!

Signing off...Mom is catching up with all her friends and family tonight and is on the phone with the 7th of her friends. I hear the babies names occasionally and a few English words. Hope she rests up because tomorrow we pack to move rooms, and make our last shopping forays.

Day 37: 5 days and counting

Today was uneventful, but after yesterday that is absolutely fine with me. Vivek has some swollen eyes, but he is already opening them sooner than I expected. Dr. Amin checked on him and said all is well. They've been moved to the far end of the NICU and Petra's baby and 2nd baby just born by her 2nd surrogate have been moved to the other room. I'm SO grateful because it was getting crowded with Mommies and Grandmothers because we often visited at the same time. Now I have so much more room to cuddle my chipmunks.

Vivek was a little cranky today overall, but who can blame the little guy. I was pretty cranky too had an upset stomach all day so only got in one visit, but Dadima took good care of them for me and made sure Vivek got some of the breast milk I had pumped. Mom was a trooper putting up with all the crankiness and then like a saint she waited in the lobby while I napped so as not to disturb me. I felt so bad she went to those lengths. We had lunch at Decent Restaurant and at night finally felt up to doing more laundry. She talked to the manager about the construction upstairs and insisted the banging stop by 8pm, and he agreed. Way to go! I'm learning that Mom is quite insistent on good hotel service and food being prepared to her specifications, and she will see to it.


Poor Vivek looks like he just left a boxing ring




Dadima reassuring Tara her brother is fine

 It is getting so incredibly hard to leave them at the NICU with each passing day, to the point I am almost angry and feeling pent up every time I walk out the doors. I'm sure this is normal, but I would give anything for a punching bag or a treadmill and running shoes to work out my frustrations. Only 5 days left!

Day 36: Light at the end of the tunnel

Tody was a huge day! After a long wait we finally have been given a discharge day!!! They can come "home" on the 18th as soon as my Snuza apnea alarms arrive by FedEx. I know it isn't set in stone, but I'm so excited anyway that this NICU journey has a visible end in sight. I rapidly dove into my to do list and took care of the following:

1. Told my husband to arrange a flight for Monday the 24th to Delhi and to get packing and pre-order the DNA kit. I found out today we should have ordered it a month in advance to be safe because they are used to keeping them stored there for folks like us.

2. Emailed the US Embassy in Delhi and set a CRBA (citizen report of birth abroad) appointment for Thursday the 27th at 10:30 am. I had the hotel print out the appointment confirmation because you have to bring it there.

3. Emailed the DNA specific embassy address to let them know the DNA kit is being mailed and to set our DNA collection appointment (cheek swabs) for the same day as the CRBA.  

4. Emailed my husband's cousin to book flights to Delhi on Monday the 24th from Anand for Mom and I and two babies, and help us ship our less necessary luggage there.

5. Booked the large room with the double and a single bed for the nanny from the 18th-24th and let them know when we'll be checking out.

Tomorrow's to do list is important as well. I've got to see Dr. Hitesh to do a money exchange for Mom, but also to book a good nanny and make sure Manju re-signs the contract and we get the original before we leave. Later I'll also have to make sure to get passport photos done by Karan photo studio below our hotel, but they come to the room and bring the pics back in an hour or two so that should be cake. When the babies are discharged and I get Dr. Kothiala's records and a letter that they are okay to travel we should be good to go!

But the day wasn't done there. Vivek had a very big day. His 2nd testicle dropped! Hopefully this means no hernia worries, but Dr. Kothiala can't be sure until she checks when he is crying...but she says he never cries. But this definitely means no worries about testicle extraction procedures, which don't sound fun.

Dr. Kothiala said she thinks that Tara looks like her grandmother! She also his having a cardiologist come in and just double check her heart for me, since I want to be sure the hole is closing up and so minor as to not be a problem.

But Vivek wasn't done yet. The eye doctor came and re-evaluated after the 15 day waiting period. Tara had stage 2 ROP (see previous post) in her right eye while her left was 1 and both of Vivek's were stage 1. So we thought if anyone needed laser surgery to halt irregular vessel growth it would be her. Wrong. Her eyes stayed the same over those 15 days but his both progressed to stage 2 and weren't stopping on their own. So he said the sooner we did laser surgery the better, and I agreed and said today was fine with him if could be arranged. The cost was only 11,500 rupees. I'm sure in the US it would be thousands.

Plans were made and he was packaged up in the carrier after much fussing over by the nurses and Dr. Tipica. Then he ventured out into the world for the first time with me carrying him and Mom carrying his bag of essentials and the nurse Daksha following along. We took a tuk-tuk about 2 minutes away just past Dr. Patel's to Dr. Amin's eye surgery center. It was a bouncy ride but it didn't seem to bother Vivek much, who was taking in the fresh air and napping. I was beyond wierd to see him with no wires attached out in the big world. I wanted to form a force field around him to keep him safe, and I'm sure I'll feel that way many times throughout my life. It was surreal but exciting to see him on his first big adventure, and made me even more excited for when I get to take him with me forever.

Nurse Daksha and our precious cargo


When we arrived he attracted much attention, though fortunately everyone kept a safe distance. I got my first taste of showing off my baby boy to strangers. While we waited Vivek decided to fill up his diaper and stink up the waiting room. That's my boy! Fortunately this was something Mommy anticipated and I tucked some diapers and wipes in a baggie hidden in the carrier seat.  Daksha changed it for us, but seem perturbed that we would be stuck holding a dirty diaper for a over an hour and seemed to want me to take care of it. Like most of India there were no obvious trash cans. I temporarily stuffed it in the ziploc baggie and hid it beneath the carrier. When we finally were called into the waiting room the Dr. had his back turned and I saw a wastebasket and went for it. Daksha got a bad case of the giggles when she saw me do it.

I had wanted the nurse to be allowed to stay with him, but they kicked her out too. Mental note: Next time you are in a waiting room while doctors are doing something to your child, do not sit in the chair closest to the room where you can hear him scream and cry. It was hard, but refused to let myself cry though Mom did break down halfway through her prayer book. I think Daksha kept chatting with her in Hindi to keep her distracted. I knew crying meant he was okay, and it was mostly him crying because he was being held down and his eyes were being held open. He did not sound happy in the slightest. They gave him a 10 min break in between eyes and let me hold him, and I'm not sure if that was more about comforting me or comforting him. 

View from the waiting room. Relief of ancient eye surgery with a dude being held down and a big stick poked in his eye adorns the wall. Not comforting at all.

Either way it was over in a grand total of 45 minutes and we had him packaged back up then settled in the NICU before I knew it. Vivek should not have any ROP vision problems now and is snug as a bug in a rug resting up. He'll probably not open his eyes for 24 hrs due to swelling and will have eye drops 4 times a day, but otherwise he is good as new. I wanted to stay and give him his next bottle and cuddle, but I know he probably needed to rest and they seemed to want us out of the way because a critically ill baby with a ventilator was brought in. We left him to sleep, and since Mom and I are a little worse for the wear so we both had some ice cream after a hard day. 

I just hope I can sleep now that I'm so excited that we have less than a week until I don't have to say goodbye.