Day 74: Coming home!

It was a miracle. My husband's amazing cousin Manu shook hands, sweet talked, cajoled and got us two exit VISAS in two hours at the FRRO yesterday! Then we bought plane tickets for late tonight at 2:20am!!! 

I couldn't believe it. Manu had the guys smiling and laughing at jokes. With his lease to prove residency and a copy of her hospital discharge paperwork showing medical issues that  made extra travel problematic, suddenly the road block of the birth state was no more! They actually didn't even bring it up, and Manu said they were very nice men. However the reception guy claimed that because my paperwork wasn't simplified in perfect order and I had extra documents in the stack and some originals instead of copies, that was the reason he had not put me through...which he did not say the previous day at all.  Not very honest, but I've been told to expect as much.

It only took one of the four men we dealt with to provide a roadblock, but with Manu's magic they helped us quickly. They wanted proof of a plane ticket already purchased, but we couldn't do that until the next day when Manu was on a business trip, and we wanted to get it done while he was still there to be a facilitator. However the guy wrote in "ticket confirmed" even when we had no proof!  Manu says this is how Indian Government is, and when you grow up with it you know how to deal with folks to get stuff done. I think if your surrogacy case has any complications like ours did that paying for a facilitator is well worth it, but fortunately we didn't have to because we are related to the miracle man.

This is one hell of a hard way to have a family, but well worth it.

I'm packed and well rested, but have a headache from stressing out about everything that could go wrong and am trying to relax. The final flight home had weighed on my mind from the very first trimester, and I hope that it has been a lot of worry that is mostly unfounded. I wish we had Vinnie with us, but it is just Mom and me working as a team. I may not sleep at all for the next 24-48 hours. But I think about how strong I've been from the years of painful infertility, the year of the police academy while working full time at a stressful job, the trips to Anand and initial failure, then the months of stressful waiting, then finally the scary premature birth and months of NICU and the final journey to Delhi. I'm strong enough to do this one last leg of the journey to bring them home.

Let's hope we get the bassinet seats, so we'll arrive four hours early to the airport. Let's also hope British Airways has the superior customer service to help us through this. I've got to not be so worried about how the babies potential crying will affect other passengers, because there is only so much I can do to prevent it. I'm more worried about their exposure to germs, but the same holds true.

I can't wait to see the joy on the faces of my family meeting their grandchildren for the first time, whom they each played a unique role in helping bring into this world and bring safely home. But most of all I just can't wait to walk in my front door and place them in their beds and take a deep breath and say a prayer of gratitude. I have a son. I have a daughter. I am a mother. I have a family. The biggest dream I ever had for my life has come true, and sharing it with those that I love makes the picture complete.

Day 26: Back in the saddle

I am twice as confident today bottle feeding as I was yesterday. Both Tara and Vivek desatted and bradied hard during bottle feeds today, but I handled it much better. I was decisive of when to give breaks and burps. I did learn a new trick...  Tara was sucking well and staying well oxygenated, which was odd because she isn't that good yet. It seemed like no milk was moving. Sure enough the tip was clogged. Now I know to watch for milk movement, bubbles coming up to show displacement, and milk eeking out the sides of the babies mouth to be sure it is flowing...otherwise you need to smoosh the tip between your fingers to clear it then tip it upside down to make sure droplets are coming out.

I have been captivated by the adorable crown my son has right at the front right of his forehead hairline. This will give him an adorable "Superman" curl for life and probably only give him one option for how he parts his hair.

I finally got to talk to my Mom tonight for two hours, right after I talked to my wonderful in-laws. I'm so excited about my mother-in-law coming I can hardly stand the wait! I enjoyed talking to both my Mom's tonight so much... I really needed it. I am very sad and disappointed though to learn that my mother cannot come to India anymore due to health concerns about how the trip could affect her by her doctor, as well as developments with my Stepdad's Alzheimer's. But she is going to help board our little dog Ralphie instead, make some of the finishing touches on getting my home ready, and arrange for the welcome wagon at the airport upon our return. I've been envisioning and planning for almost a year about what it would be like with my mother here, so trying to let go of that and re-envision how things will go is difficult. But I'm glad I had that to keep me going this whole time, because whether I show it or not it is really hard being here doing this by myself right now. With just my husband and my mother-in-law and myself it will be much more difficult to handle 2 babies on a 2 hr feeding schedule, so depending on how things go I may reconsider hiring a nanny for $10 a day.

Crash Course in NICU

So a lot has happened. Most significantly, I went down to Austin and visited my nieces for the first time. They are adorable!!!  I can't say just how incredibly helpful it was to me personally for so many reasons. There were several things it did for me aside from just the pure joy of being around two beautiful little babies and allowing my mother another day with her grandchildren:

1. I relaxed significantly with every passing hour. Seeing twins that are perfectly healthy and normal that were born at 28 weeks is very, very reassuring.

2. Baby care basics. I've been reading many books, a lot of the same ones my brother and sister in law did. But some of the concepts sound so much more complicated when you read them. However applying them seems much simpler. I relaxed about how to do parent directed "scheduled" feedings and logging everything, and getting them on the same schedule is not as complex as I thought. I was able to change diapers for really the first time, interpret their cues and crying without panicking, and for several periods of almost an hour handle two babies at once. Feeding time is more difficult though, but one person alone with two babies can be done. It's hard, but it is possible.

3. My breast pump. There is no goal of pressure/level to achieve. Do what works, and don't turn up the dial so high it hurts.

4. House setup. I realized my Eddie Bauer bassinet is just taking up space and will be relatively useless. I have a one story house and enough contraptions to hold babies in every room that this item that will hold two babies for a month or two tops is worthless. Out to the curb it went to someone who I'm sure was thrilled to have it. It was reassuring to see that though their house is much bigger and nicer, my setup will work just fine and is similar enough. I decided to do a system like they have on my kitchen counter tops with several plastic tubs to hold bottles and nipples and pacifiers in various stages of sterilization.

5. NICU advice. Hours and hours of it. They are sleep deprived parents of twins yet they stayed up until past 1am intensively coaching me on everything any of us could think of to prepare me for what to expect. This is after answering my almose ceaseless Q&A all day long! There is simply too much they told me to list here, but hopefully over the course of the blog I'll include most of it. Most of it was when they will be able to do what, such as kangaroo care or bottle feeding. They helped me understand that scary things will happen, but that eventually my baby stopping breathing or heart slowing down will be normal to me and I'll slap this tiny thing on the back rather hard to get it going again like it is no big deal. One step forward, two steps back will be the norm every time they try to wean them off oxygen or push them forward a stage. My existence will be a marathon of waiting and watching the heart rate, respiration rate, oxygen saturation, and blood pressure monitors. The pattern of these 4 numbers will be what my new world will revolve around. The babies will tell us when they are ready to do what. I figured that out fast enough to tell my father in law to back of off booking any plane tickets aside a one way ticket to India for me. A round trip ticket is just plain silly at this point.

6. Equipment. I was about to pack a half a suitcase with stuff I didn't need. The 4 oz Playtex drop ins....fuggedaboutit! The two bags of tiny slender 60ml mini-bottles they gave me will be plenty until we get them home and can use the larger ones. They gave me bags of rings and rubber nipples that were pre-sterilized tear-open bags. I got the same tear-open pacifiers and rubber nasal aspirators, as well as some medicine syringes and thermometers and hand and nail sterile sponge washers.  I likely won't need to bring newborn size clothes, so I bought up a bunch of preemie clothes instead. If they get bigger I'll have my mother bring in reinforcments the last 2 weeks. I even took advice from my hairdresser and went to the Build A Bear and bought doll clothes that I'm told will fit perfectly. 7 onesies per baby per week is plenty, by the way. Okay, okay....so I got more than that. Sue me. The clothes are friggin adorable!

7. Be grateful. Be really fucking grateful. 28 weeks and a 2 lb girl and almost 2 1/2lb boy is pretty damn good despite the risks and expenses involved.  My brother told me a story about a really bad day he had where he thought he was taking one baby girl home the next day only to have an episode while sitting in his lap that made sure she would spend a lot longer in NICU. In the elevator ride home he bumped into two people who each had twins in the NICU, but only one of each set had survived. The two parents were still grateful. So keep it in perspective and don't feel sorry for yourself. I've waited 8 long years and gone through so much pain for this, that I can't let myself forget that for a moment.

8. It's not about you. It's about them. You are not working hard. The nurses aren't the ones working so hard. Your little babies are the ones fighting hard to survive. They should still be in the womb, and our artificial one just isn't up to par. So remember whatever you are going through, they are going through so much more. They simply need a warm dark place to rest and grow with as little disruption as possible until they reach full term. So your need to hold them and touch them and see them without wires is irrelevant. For this reason initially a diaper change will be lightening fast to avoid any extra stimulation or heat loss.

9. You will look at parents of singletons born full term and laugh at them when they talk about how hard it is. You will be an old hand by the time your babies are out of NICU, and what overwhelms them will seem like nothing to you.

10. Not much will be different as far as NICU care. In the 1970's my babies would have roughly a 50/50 chance of survival. Now it is above 90%. But the thought lingers that these studies are based in U.S. based NICU's. What about India? We discussed that really the same things are done and are relatively simple to do. The same treatment protocols and medications. The level of hygeine and the newness of the equipment may be what differs the most. It is my hope that the NICU will be clean enough, and the appearance of less hygeine will relate more to how things look "old" but my hope is that I will find it is kept perfectly clean. We'll see. A tight level of control over sterilization and visitors and hand washing by the nurses may be the deciding factor. As far as equipment goes, older telemetry equipment make only differ by taking the same measurements every 15 seconds as opposed to every 5 seconds. We'll see what happens...

But for now we call Dr. Anita almost every night. Well every night that our washing machine drain hose doens't disconnect and spill 10 gallons of water all over our floor that is. Sigh. The conversations are always short. They are doing well. They are stable. They are being given surfactant therapy for their lungs (standard). Heart rates around 150 (normal).  She can't remember all the vitals and I'm vaguely familiar with the ranges but I should probably just wait until I get there to start getting these kinds of details.

By the miracle of the internet and thanks to this blog and the online forum for Dr. Patel's patients, I will not be alone. I have two new friends who will be in Anand with me. The first is a gal who talked to me about going to Anand, and is there now at Madhuban resort doing an IVF attempt. The second is someone I've been corresponding with for months beforehand and is also expecting twins. We were thinking we would miss each other, but now she will be there a few days before me. Since her twins will likely need a short NICU stay, I've asked and am crossing my fingers and praying she is able to send me pictures when she arrives on the 3rd. I won't get there until the 8th so here is hoping!

Until then I have so much on my to do list and have ran so many errands it is ridiculous! But my best friend is coming to town to throw the shower and will be a day early and can help. I'm also paying someone to come in and help clean, which will be well worth it. Hopefully I'll remember to post some pics of my finished Shangrila in my rush to leave!

Happy Birthday! I'm a Mommy!

So I guess I'll do this chronologically:

Yesterday I go on the biggest shopping blitz I've ever been on, and bought everything I knew we had to have for our babies. It calms me down significantly, and I got a good start on what we'll need to pack. Obscene amounts of diapers and wipes, and as of this morning our pediatrician hooked me up with two cases of Preemie formula for free by sweettalking the Enfamil and Similac sales reps!!!  I also had a mom of triplets from my Mothers of Multiples Club hooked me up with 30 coupons for formula. This way every day I can make two trips to two stores since there is one coupon per purchase and I'll save tons of money buying our formula gradually with coupons!

Over the course of the day the level headed and reasonable folks in my life calm me down and talk me into not running off to India as soon as I can book a ticket.

The emotional part of me wants to rip their heads off at even the thought of keeping me away from my babies for one instant. But my brain knows that waiting until the babies stabilize and until we are more prepared is the smart and rational thing to do. Damn. But as my brother pointed out, every mistake I make now affects two people.

The facts are that at 28 weeks I can't touch or hold them, and there is nothing that I can do for them that Dr. Anita Kothalia's NICU is not already doing for them. What I can do is make sure I have everything they need to bring with me, and that our home is ready for when they come back to the U.S. I can force myself to go back to work for one week to save up my paid leave time for when I can actually do something. Airfare before August 6th is nearly double the price, and with NICU fees not covered by insurance possibly we are on a tight budget. And as a bonus, I can also have my baby shower! 

The hubby will not travel with me. This journey will have to be alone for the first part, unfortunately. We both know I'm strong enough to handle it. As much as I would like to be surrounded by family, you won't hear me crying about anything not happening like I wanted it to. I have two babies that are alive and should be just fine. NOTHING else matters. I'm strongly considering slapping icing on my baby shower cake I was making and putting a picture of the frosted fantasy piece it would have been next to it. I have better ways to spend my time right now.

The fact is that my husband only has 1 month of paid leave, and he NEEDS to be there for the embassy appointment once they are released from NICU. So he may join me a month later...about a week or two from their NICU release date. He couldn't travel with me anyway due to a lack of foresight with his VISA, so he will reapply for another in my absence and do some final preparations like installing the car seats and such. 

So last night after making this decision we call Dr. Patel. It takes a few tries, but when we get her on the line for a very brief conversation she answers my 4 questions:

1. Is it a complete rupture or slow leak, and how much time does that give us? Almost complete rupture, and will deliver Sunday or Monday. She will check up on her today, but she was having some pain. (That tells me she is probably in labor which means delivery will be sooner)

2. Have they been given steroids and antibiotics already to prepare for birth? Yes. (Big duh because this is standard practice, but I needed to hear it to ease my mind. Thank you Dr. Patel for not sounding annoyed at my question.)

3. Can you make sure that my babies have breast milk? We will pay whatever we need to. Yes.

4. Is there anything else we need to know. Not really.

The conversation was over quickly after that.

This morning I wake up to an email that says:

Dear Emily,

Hello,

Congratulations!!

Manju delivered a baby Boy and a Baby Girl. Normal delivey.  Both Manju and babies are fine. Babies with Neonatal Unit. Neonatologist Dr. Anita  cell no +91 982240 27897
Dr. Anita email a_kothiala@yahoo.co.in

Picture attached

My feelings upon reading the email were shock and joy and amazement. Then more shock. I actually missed that there were pictures at first. I have a boy. I have a girl. A son and a daughter. One of each. Everything I ever dreamed of. Tara Shakti and Vivek Arjun! I am so full of happiness, but definitely still in a state of shock. I guess you always picture the moment going differently when you find out this information, but I am about living in the moment and enjoying what it is rather than putting conventional expectations on such an extreme situation.

When I go to wake my very groggy husband, he is so sleepy he has a sense of deja vu that I woke him up last night and already told him they were born. That never happened. I help him wake up and then blurt out he has a son and daughter. He looks overwhelmed and doesn't say much. I show him pictures, and then have to leave to get to my Dr. appt to get my travel immunizations.  He had some time to absorb before he called his parents. I called my parents on the way to the Dr appt.

As far as the pictures go, I stare at them endlessly. I just can't get over those huge mouths and perfect, perfect lips! My children appear to be in ziploc baggies, which initially alarms me. I just found out from my sister in law that this is normal and keeps them warm and helps prevent their nervous systems from reaction to touching.

They are quite messy and a little smushed from delivery, but I can see through all of that and they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen!

So the plan for today is to finish more home preparations, and tomorrow my mother and I are taking my brother up on his offer to return to Austin and meet my nieces. My mother will get more time with her grandchildren, and I will get books and invaluable advice on the NICU.

Monday through Sunday I will go back to work. Blah. But in my off time I will frantically finish preparations! The nursery is only half painted, and I only have boy clothes and two girl outfits!

In the meantime I've made dozens of phone calls and sent dozens of emails, posted pics and the announcement on Facebook, and coordinated the news with my workplace.Announcements and pics are sent out on my baby shower Evite too! I emailed the babies names to Dr. Patel and asked for birth weights, and to please start the birth certificate process.

I plan as much as possible to continue this blog and paint a picture for the many who will be making journeys to the NICU long after I am gone. I sure wish I knew what to expect, but at least maybe I can help others.

Leaking Liquor

I wake up this morning to this email.

Dear Emily,

Manju have leaking per vaginal today. Liquor from one baby is drain out. We will have to deliver her soon. Scan report attached.

I don't yet know if soon is the 24-48 hrs from a complete sac rupture, or a slow leak that we can pump in steroids and postpone a week.  But apparently one of my babies has a drinking problem and is already on the hard stuff.

I would be freaking out 10 times more than I already am if my brother and sister in law had not given birth to twins at the exact same time frame. I have some clue what to expect thanks to her blog.

I called my Mom to turn around and come back from Austin, where she arrived last night to visit my brother's twins. I was watching my stepdad for her, who has late stage Alzheimer's. My good friend who is helping throw my now postponed baby shower came over to watch him so I could go buy out the baby store.

I came up with a list of everything I need to get and do to go to India, and it is daunting but with very little sleep it is doable. My father has helped with the sudden expenses since this will be far more than we planned for.

I literally bought EVERY preemie diaper they had. 33 cases. I have to figure out formula, but our pediatrician will call us in the morning. As for the rest, hopefully all my lists and preparation will help me through it. So much to do, but at 27 1/2 weeks hopefully they will be alive and healthy and nothing else matters.