Saturday, June 2, 2012

It didn't work. Decision Day.

The "I'm sorry but the pregnancy test is negative email" was received by my father-in-law first because he was up checking his email obsessively all morning long waiting for news. I was terrified I would get the email at work and freak out in front of everyone. Luckily it came late so it was on my day off. He called us to say how sorry he was, and I don't remember what I said. I checked my email and saw it. I woke up Vinnie and told him. He hugged me and told me he was sorry. I don't remember too much after that because I did freak out, but it came on slowly. But I mean I really freaked out. I cried so hard it was painful. I cried so hard for so many hours that my nose bled. This seemed like all hope was lost. I called my best friend and later my mother and must have been unintelligible the entire time. I think I called them several times throughout the day.  I said harsh things I knew I didn't mean at the time. I was very angry at God, and I think it is okay to say what you feel when you are in that much pain because God can handle it. I love them both so much for letting me grieve for lost hope.

But that same day the inevitable decision had to be made. Because I may lose it from time to time, but I solve problems fast and have to find hope right away. I had to have a back up plan and decide that day, even though others cautioned me to take my time and nothing had to be decided right now when I was feeling that badly. 

I didn't have enough money to go to India again. If I ever had a girl she could share my genetic link to PCOS and someday wind up in a situation as painful as the one I was going through now. My eggs have always failed me. It was time to let it go.

You would think someone who is 100% dedicated to adopting a child someday would have no problem letting go and choosing a donor egg, but I was surprised by how much emotion I had about it. Because it was a concscious choice between my egg and a donor egg where I played a role in conceiving a child, it was different somehow. I had to let go fully that I would never have a child that shared my genes, something most folks get automatically and take for granted. It is not selfish to grieve for that loss, even if deep down you know it doesn't really matter. I do believe nurture is more important than nature, but nature does have a strong role. It was hard to accept I would know next to nothing about this donor, and forever wonder if my child was displaying similar qualities to a perfect stranger. With adoption you know that it is two perfect strangers and not just one, and I think it might be easier to resign yourself to that if you see adoption as the only choice for you....but what do I know  cause I haven't done that yet either. It's hard to describe, but I had to grieve for that loss.  But somehow it made it easier to understand why adopted kids are often so curious about the biological parents, something that never made sense to me when they had awesome adoptive parents. I think I understand that a little better now.

It was a no brainer though that I would choose one of Dr. Patel's Indian donors, instead of trying to get a caucasian one that looked like me for much more hassle and expense with the higher risk of shipping frozen embryos. I don't care all that much about looking like me, and would love to have children that are 100% tied to an Indian heritage instead of my bum eggs with my deathly pale complexion.  I didn't expect some giant donor packet like you would get at a US clinic that details every tiny thing about the potential egg donor to choose from. But months later when we got three profiles to choose from, I was still suprised at how little info there was. We did get a picture of each, and a very basic profile. They all completed the highest grade of primary school and were married housewives with at least one child and ideal health histories. But what did I expect from a female donor in a rural area of a third world? She wasn't going to be a doctor or lawyer or she wouldn't be doing this.These were opportunities that she would probably never have. I wondered if there really were family medical conditions if they would be properly diagnosed and treated by someone living in this condition in this part of the world living on so little money with less access to medical care.

It felt so superficial to choose based upon the picture, but that is what choice we had. If one were taller I would have chosen her, but none were taller than my short self unfortunately. Hopefully my 6ft tall hubby will give our kids a few extra inches. I am happy to say that the donor we chose did have the most kids to support, so I feel like our money did the most good. It feels so bizarre to make a decision like this, and nothing prepares you for it.

I respect the confidentiality of our donor, so I have a modified version of the pic here that I'm sure will keep her confidentiality cause you could never tell from the original. The pic they sent is typical of an Indian woman, with a plain outfit and no jewelry save a mangalsutra that means she is married, and certainly no makeup. Hair pulled back, no smile, and a demure body posture. She looked far older than she was, I'm sure from raising several kids and living  a hard life.

Let's face facts, if it's my daughter she'll have some big old Texas hair and red lipstick when she is that age. So I photoshopped her a bit on InStyle Magazine Hollywood Makeover website, and it helped me see what she'd look like a little more "done up." Believe me...I know how superficial this sounds. But it helped me make a decision because looks was pretty much all I had. She had some stronger looking Michelle Obama arms going on too, so that told me she might be stronger and healthier with a slightly sturdier looking frame than the other two. A superficial decision when I only had superficial criteria. Sigh.

Below is the sum total of what info you get from Dr. Patel on an egg donor. I changed some details up.

Physical characteristics  

Name :  B M R 
Age :                22 yrs.
Weight :            46 kg.
Height :             5’2”
Complexion :     Fair
Cast     :           Hindu

Personal Characteristics 

Marital Status :             Married
Education :                   10th std. School
Occupation :                 House wife 

Personal Health History  

Medical Problem :        Nil
Blood Transfusion :       Nil
Surgeries :                    Nil
Allergies :                     Nil
Medication :                 Nil 

Family History 

Any diseases in the family – diabetes, blood pressures)
Parents :           Nil
Siblings :           Nil 

Fertility History 

Number of Children :    1 - Normal delivery
Children Details :          1 Boy (3 yrs. old children)
MTP                :          No
Miscarriages :               No

Examination & Investigation :
Breast :                         Nil
Diagnostic :                   Nil
HIV & HbSAg :           Negative
VDRL              :           Negative

So nothing else to say on the egg donor decision. We had to wait a while for the cycle and the dreaded 2 week wait. So I'll just post some more pics I took and found on the web from Delhi for police and fire stuff. Since I work in emergency services I have an interest in that sort of thing and tried to get several pics of those.



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