Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Day 7: Roller coaster of love

Today was a huge roller coaster. It started off on a high. I got my NICU payment done, and then came in earlier than usual to discover it was bath time for babies. They change the sheets and wash the isolettes at the same time. The babies make sounds like they are being tortured during bathtime, but it is quite cute nonetheless. I missed my babies baths, but they were both the most alert I'd ever seen them...especially Tara. It has been easier to bond with Vivek because he has his eyes open more and is more expressive, but little Tara blew me away! I realized it had been harder to bond with her because of how little she opens her eyes.
Then came kangaroo care time. I know that de-satting and bradying is normal, and that my baby girl's desats are well within a normal range for her development and how she pulls herself out of them is a good sign. I also know that with her GERD that the episodes will be worse after eating. I know that stimulation is normal to help bring her out of it. But after kangaroo care for 15 min with me stimulating her non-stop lest she fall into the 70's I couldn't keep it together anymore. The first 10 min I was calm, but the last 5 the emotion overwhelmed me. I was angry at myself for getting emotional again, but every moment was killing me. All I could think was "how can kangaroo care be so good for her if she de-sats constantly when I hold her but in the crib she is so much better?" I finally insisted they move her back and then couldn't stop some tears from coming. A nurse told me not to cry, my daughter was fine. I told her I knew that, but the emotion is so overwhelming and I couldn't seem to shut it down like I normally can. Suvarna returned and asked what happened because she could see how upset I was. I told her my thoughts, and she said okay no kangaroo care for now. I asked if Dr. Kothiala was in her office, and she answered "Yes, Madam is in" and she called to let her know I was coming.

Dr. Kothiala agreed that perhaps something about the positioning is not good for Tara right now, and we will hold off with kangaroo care for a few days and only do Vivek. She explained that with her GERD right now they are doing a balancing act trying to treat it best, and they are waiting for her to get older and the sphincter will mature and function better that causes the reflux. She had to back off on the volume of the feeds to prevent the reflux, but doesn't want to do so to the point that she doesn't gain weight. They also raised her to a higher incline in her isolette. She said that if this doesn't work they will go to hourly feedings instead of a 2 hour schedule. The fact that she had a reasonable sounding plan helped me feel better. I asked about Prilosec, and she said she avoids using it and has only used it once. She does not like acid inhibitors for babies so small because they do not produce much in the first place and it has side effects. She is being given Domperidone (Motillium) to help the food pass through her system more effectively, which is the same med I am on to induce lactation.

I needed to relax after that so I went to the hotel and pumped, and hatched a plan for a long walk after sorted out payments with Dr. Hitesh and found the state bank ATM. Dr. Hitesh could not locate my file right away and several other people came to his office, so we agreed to do it tomorrow. I got better directions and a map this time to the state bank ATM and after about 20 min of backtracking I finally found it and my card worked. I hatched a plan to go on a long walk to eat at my friend's favorite restaurant, and bring them something from it since they brought their twins back to Rama from the NICU yesterday. I would also stop by the Black Beauty children's clothing shop and buy something for my husband's cousin who is expecting a son soon and asked me to bring her something.

The walk is long, and I wander through the poorer districts and it really gets to you. You recognize how fortunate you are and how much you take it for granted when you see how so many others live. But it is still a life even if it is lack for so many luxuries we often consider to be necessities. The entire walk schoolchildren stare at my pale foreign-ness and often giggle as soon as they are past me. I am funny looking I guess.

I am theory walking based on streets that don't acually connect on the map. Yet after about 40 minutes and my feet aching in a way they never have from walking on uneven ground in firm sandals, I reach the Laksh hotel in triumph. I go up to the Noon 2 Night care with the great view and have some water and a chocolate milkshake. Then I walk to Alpha and have by far what is the best meal I've had here. Then I go to Black Beauty and get an adorable outfit, then take a Tuk Tuk home. All in all a very productive and succesful day, one I sorely needed.

I visit my friend and learn how to set up a room at Rama with two babies, and take some tips for later. I realize a sterilizer and hot water pot that plug in, as well as cute mosquito net cribs as well as carriers can be bought at Seven Eleven.  It is uplifting to see two healthy twins, and I retreat to my room again.

Sadly I only make it to 7:30pm before I crash out, exhausted and sore. Once again I feel badly for only visiting my children once today. It was so emotionally trying, and I can't let that scare me off. Tomorrow is another day, of which I will have many here. I hope to come near bathtime tomorrow. I have watched the video of my little girl a dozen times today so I can see her lovely eyes.

1 comment:

  1. I feel for your stress and anxiety. I think I've read that you believe in God. Try giving Him your fears. Just let them go and let Him handle them. It will give you peace that you don't have to worry anymore. I hope your stay gets better each day. Thinking of you all daily. Pamz